Old Moon
by Lucidshard
Summary: Lupin and Hermione struggle to deal with the coming War. Lupin is coming to terms with the losses in his life and struggling to continue with his role within The Order. He has more trouble than he thought when a mysterious ailment plagues him.
1. Stirrings of Trouble

**Characters**: Remus Lupin, Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Hermione Granger  
**Genres:** Action / Adventure, Angst, Romance.  
**Timeline:** Post Order of the Phoenix  
**Warnings:** None  
**Summary**: After the events of OofP, Lupin is coming to terms with the losses in his life and struggling to continue with his role in the order. RL/HG  
**Disclaimer:** All characters and situations from Harry Potter are properties of J.K Rowling, Scholastic Press, Warner Bros. and others. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

**Stirrings of Trouble**

The summer had begun in a macabre and sullen fashion. All those who had been involved in the terrible occurrence at the Ministry of Magic, were to say the least somewhat dazed and still reeling from the events. Hermione and Ron had spent little more than a week at _The Burrow _when they were informed that they would be spending the rest of the summer at Grimmauld Place. They were excited and apprehensive at the same time. Although it would be exciting to see the rest of the order again, they were apprehensive about seeing Harry after all that had happened. Ron had warmed to Sirius just as much as Hermione had and it was awful to have lost him, they knew they both had their parents to turn to, but not Harry. Not Harry who had lost so much last year. They didn't know how he was going to be but they were going to be there for him, as always, no matter what.

They quickly wrote letters of encouragement to Harry about meeting up at Grimmauld Place. Neither of them could see Harry turning such an offer down...they were worried none-the-less They sent their messages by Owl, knowing Harry would have them relatively quickly. Of course they never mentioned where or when, just in case the owls were intercepted.

When they went to pick Harry up there was an excitement in the Weasley family. Of course every now and then Molly would say Harry's name and go glassy eyed mumbling "That poor, poor boy." She had never warmed to Sirius really but she had never wanted anything to happen to the brash young man. He may have been impatient and raring to go but Molly couldn't help but to look at her own sons, even Percy, and think of what may happen to them. At that she would leave the group and compose herself until ready to converse again, which usually took about five minutes.

They had managed to get some Muggle transportation via the ministry this year. They had been much more accepting of things to do with Harry than they had last year. It was a squeeze but they all managed to fit in, and dropping by Privet drive had been relatively easy. More than it should have been considering there were at least two members of the Order per car. Everybody had wanted in on Tonk's car and was less than eager to get in the car with Mad-Eye Moody. He was wearing that strange bowler hat that made him bizarrely respectable and outcast at the same time.

They found Harry at the end of Privet Drive. His aunt and uncle did not want to draw attention to the fact that Harry was leaving or who may be picking him up. Everyone one was relieved to see him of course and Molly could not control the cuddles she gave Harry when she first saw him. Harry went pink with the attention but didn't withdraw from it; as much as he disliked being coddled he loved it at the same time. Harry looked from car to car hoping to see Professor Lupin, but he wasn't there, so he got into the nearest car.

The next surprise was that they then took a portkey from the cars to Grimmauld place. Hermione started to ask what was happeningbut was shushed by Arthur Weasley who explained with a knowing smile, that their luggage would be coming after them. They all Portkeyed into Grimmauld place and found themselves in the basement. It had never been nice down there but it had been cleaned and thoroughly disinfected, much to everyone's approval.

Hermione had noticed immediately that Harry had put on his brave face. She wanted to reach over and give him a small touch or reassurance but she was frightened that it would be too much for him. She followed as they all piled into the Kitchen, where Molly stood for a moment, looking at Harry before breaking from her reverie and putting the kettle on the stove. It was uncomfortable for a few moments because no one looked at Harry but wanted to all the same time.

It was not lost on Harry who commented quietly, "I think Sirius would have liked the colour in here."

Tonks beamed with pride at this point and informed Harry, "Yeah me and Lupin did in here and Molly did most of the rest of the house."

Molly glowed red and said, "Yes, well I had help too, mostly from Remus and Alastor." She seemed pleased though to be acknowledged for all her hard work. Harry smiled at her and she momentarily couldn't speak, when she found her voice she said, " Tea any one?" Everyone nodded.

* * *

Hermione couldn't help noticing that there were a few people missing from the house. She knew that they were most likely on Order business but she still couldn't account for some of the disappearances, for instance where was Kreacher? She was a tiny bit worried about what had happened to him, although she knew that he had been the ultimate traitor. Also there had been two Order meetings in the last three days and yet there had been no Dumbledore, no Snape, no Lupin and no McGonagall either. Hermione, being a smart witch, could see that at least two of those people were crucial to the meetings. 

The next morning Hermione took it upon herself to ask Tonks, who was dozing over a cup of coffee, where everyone was, including Kreacher. "Tonks would you mind if I asked you something? I have been wondering what happened to Kreacher? " Tonks winced at the mention of Kreacher and looked as though she were about to speak when a dark figure loomed over them both. Snape stood above them holding his own tea; Hermione couldn't help thinking a giant vampire bat had landed.

Snape sneered and looked down at them, "I would have thought it was obvious what had happened to that loathsome creature, Miss Granger. He will not be revealing the secrets of the Order anymore." Hermione looked shocked but a tiny part of her brain had already accepted that this maybe the case already. A larger part of her brain was horrified too, because that made some one a murderer.

Snape saw the dawning understanding in her eyes and felt a small amount of pity for her, but that was quickly washed aside with anger. "That foul little beast led to the direct death of one of the Order. Its imminent demise was the best it could have hoped for. I for one am glad it is no longer roaming these halls; its betrayal was the worst kind. Though I am sure Sirius would have understood what betrayal is all about."

Hermione's eyes widened at what Professor Snape had just said and apparently so did Tonks because Snape stopped sneering and stomped out of the Kitchen. _How could Snape talk about Sirius like that?_ Hermione shook her head; it was too hard to imagine Snape caring for anyone she supposed, she thought at least Snape might be civil about Sirius now he was dead; apparently not. Tonks seemed to feel the same, as she was shaking her head in disbelief at Snape.

Hermione temporarily forgot that she had wanted to ask about Dumbledore and the others for a day. Snape had thrown her a little and she hadn't wasted any time in telling Harry what he said. Harry took it quiet well, with a small shrug of his shoulders, as though it were no great surprise that Snape had badmouthed Sirius. Hermione was glad that Harry had taken it well, though there seemed to be a small amount of worry around the eyes for a little while.

It was some days later that Hermione noticed that Dumbledore, McGonagall and Lupin still hadn't been to Headquarters. It seemed especially strange as the others, like Tonks kept hinting that they would be through the door any time soon. This didn't keep Hermione from worrying about them, even if the others weren't showing it she knew from the stopped conversations whenever her Harry or Ron were in the room and quiet whispers, that something was amiss. She just hoped that it wasn't anything serious.

* * *

Hermione had noted that Snape had been hanging around a lot more than he normally would have. He spent his time in between the Kitchen and the living room skulking and sneering at all those who entered. It bothered her, Ron and Harry so that they were nearly always in the room that he wasn't in. Snape seemed to be grateful of this fact and mostly left them alone. It didn't stop them wondering what on earth Snape was doing there? 

It wasn't until they had been there for ten days that they heard Dumbledore and McGonagall in the middle of the night, they had, of course, been chatting into the night and had subsequently heard them downstairs. Hermione had opened her bedroom door and she and Ginny were listening to the row downstairs, Professor McGonagall seemed to be hysterical and was shouting loudly.

Hermione could not resist knowing what was going on and left her bedroom, ignoring Ginny's low warning: "Don't be stupid Hermione, your going to get caught." Ginny remained where she was, although she kept hissing certain things at Hermione's retreating back every now and then, clearly concerned for her friend.

Hermione made her way down the stairs and at some point became aware that she was still wearing her PJ's, she felt underdressed and vulnerable, but she still was too curious to turn back. She realised as she crept down the stairs that she hadn't even thought to bring her wand; now she really did feel vulnerable. She reached the bottom of the stairs and made her way to the kitchen where most of the fuss seemed to be coming from; she opened the door and nearly screamed. There was a horrific scene before her, on the table was Professor Lupin, bleeding heavily from wounds on his chest. Around him were Professors McGonagall, Dumbledore, Snape and Mr Weasley, who were trying to help him. Lupin was pale beyond white and his eyes rolled back into his head.

* * *

**A/N:** I just wanted to add that this chapter has been revised and updated (11/02/05), with the help of my Beta Sophie to whom I give many a thank you for her wonderful help. 


	2. In Old Wounds

**Characters**: Remus Lupin, Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, Tonks.  
**Genres:** Action / Adventure, Angst, Romance.  
**Timeline:** Post Order of the Phoenix  
**Warnings:** None  
**Summary**: After the events of OofP, Lupin is coming to terms with the losses in his life and struggling to continue with his role in the order. RL/HG  
**Disclaimer:** All characters and situations from Harry Potter are properties of J.K Rowling, Scholastic Press, Warner Bros. and others. No copyright infringement is intended.

**_Authors Notes  
Hope you all like it so far._**  
**_Thanks to Moony's-Mate and ArwenLumos who took the time to write a review and thank you for your kind comments._**

* * *

_**Chapter Two - Old Wounds** _

Hermione's breath caught in her throat and she fought to breathe. She clapped her hand over her mouth in horror, and thought _"Is he dead?"_ She watched as Arthur Weasley tended the vicious wounds on his chest, keeping the pressure up and trying to stop the wounds bleeding too much. Snape had a bottle of some viscous potion and he was trying to daub it on to some of the heavier wounds. McGonagall was wiping Lupin's face with a damp cloth, which had turned pink.

It was at this point in her rising panic that Hermione noticed two things. Dumbledore had stood back from the group and he had his wand out, his face etched with concern and something else, there was hardness there, no gleam, and had his wand pointed at Lupin. The second thing was that Lupin's hands were covered in blood. Hermione couldn't move, she was frozen rigid to the spot and no one seemed to have noticed she was there.

It was just then that Lupin started to convulse, first his limbs went rigid and shook and then they started to flail around so violently that Snape had to put the potion down and pin Lupin's arms to the table. Arthur Weasley stopped trying to hold the bandages on and had to lean down upon Lupin's legs almost lying upon them with all his weight, which was needed, given the violence of his convulsions. McGonagall was trying to stop Lupin from smacking his head up and down on the table, and Hermione saw that he had awful scratches on his face.

Hermione gasped aloud and Dumbledore turned sharply in her directionhis eyes looking hawk like and searching, but instead of sending her away he said, "Miss Granger I'd advise you not to get any closer and stay where you are, do you understand? The tone of his voice left no doubt as to how serious this situation was. His eyes became slightly softer and searched her face for some sign that she comprehended what he had just said.

"Y-yes...I understand." Hermione responded with a small whisper and saw that what she had said was enough to convince Dumbledore she would stay put. Dumbledore refocused on Lupin.

A loud crash whipped Hermione's attention back to the table and she saw that Snape had been thrown to the side by Lupin and had landed against a cupboard full of crockery, which objected and rattled violently. The potion he had been using and had set aside had smashed on the floor. Then Hermione's eyes widened in fear as she heard a low guttural growl come deep from within Lupin's chest. She apparently wasn't the only one who was now scared because Arthur and McGonagall let go of himand started to back away. He had stopped convulsing and now just growled at a low pitch like a rumble. It was the only sound to be heard, as all present froze momentarily.

Recovering from her moment of panic Hermione realised it wasn't full moon, it wasn't due for two weeks. She had always kept track of that before, more now than ever because she was staying at Grimmauld Place. Curiosity took over the fear and battled for first place, it won and Hermione found herself speaking:

"Its not full moon, he's not changing...is he? Hermione's voice was small but now she had alerted Arthur, McGonagall and Snape to her presence and their heads whipped around to see her, but before they could berate her for being there Dumbledore spoke:

"We cannot take any more chances, Severus help me get him to the cellar." Dumbledore offered no more explanation than that and Snape assisted him, by casting a binding spell on Lupin. Hermione wondered why they hadn't used it before instead of pinning him down.

Lupin was still growling that low rumble but stayed still while he was being floated down the cellar stairs. Professors Snape and Dumbledore appeared back at the top and secured the door with wards and a locking spell. Snape was speaking to him:

"That binding spell won't last all night, if he changes he may well be able to break through the door. He's danger to us all." Hermione couldn't help but hate Snape for badmouthing Lupin, though at the same time she knew he was right. She knew that Professor Snape wasn't fond of werewolves, and of Lupin in particular. Hermione also knew that fear was justified having seen Professor Lupin in all his Werewolf glory. She shuddered a little at the thought.

Dumbledore looked, well like Dumbledore and patiently he said "He will be safe enough in there, I have placed a strong enough ward to repel a werewolf if necessary. I do not believe that he will change however; there is something more to this situation than we understand at present. I propose you, Arthur and whoever comes off duty next, Tonks I think, take watches until dawn, unless you are badly hurt from your fall Severus?" Dumbledore looked to Snape.

"I am fine." Snape replied, slightly insulted. "I will take the first watch." He added as if to prove his healthiness.

Just then an awful howl came from below, it truly was blood curdling in every sense, and Hermione remembered back to her third year when she had witnessed Professor Lupin's change into a werewolf and the terror it had inspired. Everybody in the room froze and paled a little. The howl turned to growling and then there was a loud crash, then a scream that could only be described as anguish and pain. After that all that could be heard was a high-pitched whine, which almost sounded like wolfish crying.

Snape spoke then breaking the spell of no talking. "Miss Granger I suggest you get yourself up to bed and don't come back down again, I know its hard but do you think for once you can do as you are told?" He did not sneer or become overly nasty but Snape's face had a look of seriousness that wasn't to be argued with.

Hermione nodded but couldn't help adding, "Professor, I won't be able to sleep, not now..." She shuddered outwardly.

Snape opened his mouth to reply angrily but Dumbledore beat him to it. "Miss Granger I think it would be useful if you helped clear up and perhaps a nice cup of tea for everyone?" Everyone but Snape nodded at the tea comment and instantly there was activity in the kitchen, everyone grateful for now having something to do other than listen to the pitiful whining coming from the cellar.

When the table was clear, Hermione set down the cups of tea, having made one for everyone. She then sat down herself and sipped from her own cup. Everyone was curiously quiet and didn't speak for a long time, listening to the keening sound still emanating from beneath them. Soon a quiet chatter started between Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall and Arthur Weasley. Hermione didn't add anything to it she just sipped her tea and listened to the conversation flow. Dumbledore soon had to leave and she said goodbye with the others.

Hermione took the Headmaster leaving as a chance to sit in the living room where she could read comfortably. Sitting snugly in a chair she started to read. At first she found it a little difficult to concentrate on the book in her hands. The events of the night had left her mind alert and active. Trying to settle down and relax was a little hard, especially when poor Professor Lupin was suffering. Briefly she thought of going back up stairs to reassure Ginny that everything was ok for the moment, but she knew then that Ginny would wake Ron, Harry and the others. Best to let them sleep and speak to them all in the morning.

As Hermione continued to try and concentrate she found she couldn't help but worry. A frown started to form in her brow and her chest tightened at the thought of Professor Lupin being hurt. It really wasn't fair. He was such a nice and understanding Professor, the best she'd ever had. Not only that, she feared for Harry, whom she thought would not be able to cope with more loss. She then started to think of happier times with Harry and Ron, smiling a little at the memories. It was at this point the frown started to relax as her eyes fluttered, opening and closing a few times before finally shutting.

Hermione didn't know exactly when she had fallen to sleep but she awoke with a start and her neck ached. She was also startled to find that she now sported a blanket, which she didn't remember putting on herself. Looking up she saw Snape sitting across the room looking at her with a book in his hand.

"I told you to go back to bed, and the Blanket was Tonk's idea, I would have allowed you to awaken cold. Should you be thirsty Tonk's has just made some tea and I believe toast as well." He smirked as he finished speaking, though for Snape that was positively warm and friendly.

"Is Professor Lupin better yet?" Hermione looked anxiously to Snape who glared at her for mentioning Lupin.

"We will see when the sun arises, won't we Miss Granger."

Snape seemed a little exasperated by her, and Hermione decided that being in the same room as a possibly sleep deprived and grumpy Snape, was not a venture she wanted to experience. So Hermione thought Tonk's tea was sounding more promising. As she rose however the keening rose to a howl again making Hermione jump. Then there was a sudden thudding as if someone was climbing the stairs. Hermione didn't hesitate pulling out her wand and a bustle of movement from Snape's direction confirmed her thought that he had his wand out also.

There was a soft whispering at the door and Hermione couldn't quite make it out, she moved closer to hear it and noticed that Snape had done the same. She realised that the whispering was heavy breathing, and that Lupin was right next to the door. She heard him say one word and she dropped her wand, she looked to Snape instantly who looked paler if possible and his eyes darted to Hermione's. An understanding seemed to pass between them and Hermione picked up her wand.

She retreated to the kitchen where Tonk's had been poking her head out of the door; she too seemed to have heard what Lupin had said because she looked shaken and shiny eyed. She knew that Snape would not allow her to remain within earshot of Lupin now, for fear of what else he might say. Not that she wanted to listen, but her heart ached with sadness inside at what Lupin had just said.

She sat at the Kitchen table and Tonk's just poured tea without asking Hermione if she wanted any. Tonk's then poured herself one and hesitated over the third cup. She glanced to see if Snape had followed Hermione into the kitchen, and didn't pour any in when she saw Snape had returned to the living room. She set the teapot down and sat down herself opposite Hermione. They both sipped in silence until Tonks broke it with a loud slurp.

"Sorry." She said not blushing or looking ashamed.

Hermione couldn't help but smile though. Tonk's seemed to think this was an invite to speak again. "I miss him too y'know, it's not right him not being here."

Hermione winced, thinking of the name whispered by Lupin. His voice had been so empty, so desperate, and so alone that Hermione couldn't think of it without feeling her eyes fill up with tears. She couldn't speak but Tonk's seemed to understand this and patted Hermione's hand a little and said no more, and she was blinking rather a lot and looking at the ceiling. They sat and chatted a little till dawn, very deliberately not talking about anything in particular.

When dawn arrived Hermione saw the sun gleaming on the kitchen curtains. Tonk's had gone to bed, tired from her nights work as well as an extra shift of Lupin watching, she made sure Snape was awake when she went through to the living room. He was still reading in the living room, having sat in there all night.

Hermione went back to the kitchen and read her book, not wanting to be told to go to bed by Professor Snape.

Hermione heard a shuffling noise coming from the cellar door and she again whipped out her wand, aiming at the door. She watched in mute horror as the door handle turned and the door opened. She swallowed what felt like an apple of fear in her throat, and her stomach flipped silently. _"Where's Professor Snape?"_ she thought.

The door didn't creak or make any noise but she saw the very human hand of Lupin hold the edge of the door. The hand was still covered in blood, though it was dried now and rustier looking. As he walked out from behind the door the full awfulness of his appearance hit her. He had scratches all over his face and arms, his shirt hung in tatters, there was barely any of it left. His face had dark circles under his eyes, and his eyes were red and puffy. He looked exhausted.

Then suddenly Snape was there, eyes narrowed, wand out, almost jabbing it in Lupin's neck, and he flinched putting up his hands and backing off a step. There was a moment where Hermione thought Snape was going to stun Lupin anyway just to be sure. Snape lowered his wand and indicated that he should sit down in the kitchen. Hermione noticed that Lupin walked very shakily, he was unsteady. Suddenly his legs seemed to buckle and he pitched forward. Shape caught Lupin's elbow roughly and guided him to the table and a chair. Snape bent over slightly and looked Lupin in the eye as if looking for the werewolf within.

"How do you feel Lupin?" Snape asked whilst looking deeply into Lupin's eyes, which Hermione thought was unnervingly intimate. Snape's wand was gripped in his hand still as if Lupin were going to launch himself at Snape any minute. Hermione suspected that he was probably using Legilimens on Lupin.

Lupin nodded a little as he spoke, his voice dry and raspy. "I'm all here Severus, whatever it was has been and passed." He touched his throat and said, "I am a little dry, and I would like a glass of water please." Hermione jumped up and went to the sink to fetch a drink for Lupin. Snape in the meantime was looking over the wounds Lupin had received, mostly self-inflicted.

"I will need to go and fetch some supplies that will be able to fix you up, you broke my last skin healing potion last night. I will be gone about fifteen minutes." Snape looked at Hermione and seemed to hesitate leaving Hermione alone with Lupin, looking from Lupin to Hermione he said, "If in doubt stun him straight away, take no chances Miss Granger. Arthur should arrive before I get back, possibly with Molly. The other children shouldn't be down for a few hours just yet." With that Snape just took off and Apparated out of the kitchen.

Hermione was left there looking at the bedraggled Lupin, and she found that she was a little scared of him. He seemed to sense this because at that moment he gave her a small smile and looked up. That smile didn't reach his eyes however.

"Are you ok Hermione?" Lupin's voice still rasped a little and he looked concerned. Hermione just nodded.

Hermione looked back at him and remembered the name he had spoken in his anguish last night, her eyes welled up and tears threatened to fall. She broke the eye contact between them and turned her back on him, opting instead for the kitchen sink. She filled a bowl with warm water and took out some clean flannels and put them in the warm water to soak. Turning off the tap she picked the bowl up and set it on the kitchen table beside Lupin.

Lupin watched her back and couldn't help but wonder if she was ok. He knew he looked a state and frankly he was completely at a loss to what happened last night. He shivered, he was really feeling the cold right now and he ached ever so much, physically and mentally. The cuts and grazes upon his body stung in the cold of the kitchen and he felt himself shaking harder. This was nothing new for him, he was used to the total exhaustion after a full moon, but this hadn't been a full moon had it_? "What the bloody hell is happening to me?" _He thought. He knew that wondering about his problem would have to wait till Snape came back or when Molly and Arthur were here, it wasn't something to discuss with Hermione. He picked up the water glass and sipped from it, as he did Hermione turned around and set the bowl she had filled down beside him. The water steamed slightly. His eyes and Hermione's eyes both fell to the glass he was holding; it was shaking in his hand.

Hermione looked at the glass and then gently removed it from his grasp. She then turned back to the bowl of warm water and rung out one of the flannels. She then aimed straight for his face with it. Lupin reached out and caught her wrist firmly and looked at her doubtfully. "I'm just cleaning up the blood Professor. I'll be gentle, I promise." He relented and allowed her to continue. Though he wore a slightly pained expression. He was very quiet, he normally was but this was different, he looked deeply concerned.

Hermione stood in front of him and dabbed the cloth against his head and Lupin breathed in sharply, Hermione ignored it and carried on wiping and ringing out the cloth alternatively. She noticed that his skin was so very pale underneath the blood. It made his eyes stand out starkly compared to the rest of the features on his face. The skin was almost like cracked porcelain. Hermione blinked, she had been staring at his face too long without wiping and Lupin looked up. He caught her eyes briefly and she flushed pink and dabbed at a cut above his eyebrow so he couldn't look at her with that questioning gaze. She saw him wince.

Lupin knew that he needed cleaning up, but found the pressure of the cloth on his head excruciatingly painful. However he really couldn't be bothered to put up much of a fight. Especially if it stopped Hermione looking at him as if he were a monster which she had been. He didn't blame her for reacting that way, he was kind of used to it but what had happened last night was unusual in the extreme. He was too tired to think about it and he really wanted to sleep. Lupin noticed that Hermione had stopped poking him with the cloth and when he looked up, she was staring strangely at him, she went pink and started to poke at him again with the cloth_. "Merlin she really must think I'm a sight to look at me like that." _

Hermione continued to dab away at Lupin's head. She lifted his chin up with her hand and automatically wiped the blood away from his eyes, which tried to focus on her as she did so. As she wiped away the gore she held his chin slightly with one finger, her face was quite close to his face, dabbing away removing what was on his cheeks and lips. She noticed that his skin was softer than she would have thought. Hermione felt him shudder and start shaking a little again, his eyes were closed slightly, then his eyes opened sharply as there was a loud crack and then another. Mr and Mrs Weasley were standing in the kitchen looking open-mouthed at Lupin. It was then, and only then did Hermione realised how intimate the contact she had with Lupin was. She stepped away instantly flushing again, worried she looked to Arthur and Molly and she saw Molly's face drain at the full sight of Lupin.

Remus felt Hermione lift his chin to gain access to other sore areas on his face. The contact of her warm fingers on his face sent a shudder up his spine; it made him feel the cold even more acutely, as he was exposed. Lupin couldn't help but notice how close Hermione's face was to his, he could see how brown her eyes were from here. She was biting her lip and pursing it at the same time. Lupin shut his eyes hoping to knock the image from his mind, and then opened them again at the sound a loud crack and then another. Molly and Arthur had Apparated inside the house and judging by the look on Molly's face he was in for the long haul of Weasley family care. He hadn't failed to notice Hermione jump back though; she seemed embarrassed, probably because of how close she had been to him. When Lupin thought about this he reddened a little too, and he thankful that no one noticed.

Then Molly was a flurry of blankets, bandages and tea. Lupin really didn't know what had hit him. Hermione couldn't help but see him as a lost boy in the middle of all that activity that was Molly Weasley caring for him.

Hermione retreated to the living room to sit down under the blanket she had slept under previously. She lifted the book to read again and toyed with the thought of going back to bed. There seemed little point and she didn't want to wake Ginny up. Her eyes travelled the words on the pages for a few minutes but began to glaze over, in a tell tale sign of tiredness. Soon she was asleep again, so much so she didn't hear some one come in and pull the blanket up higher and tuck her in. That someone stood for a moment watching her sleep.

* * *

**A/N:** I just wanted to add that this chapter has been revised and updated (11/02/05), with the help of my Beta Sophie to whom I give many a thank you for her wonderful help. 


	3. Shifting Pain

**Characters**: Remus Lupin, Harry Potter, Severus Snape, Hermione Granger  
**Genres:** Action / Adventure, Angst, Romance.  
**Timeline:** Post Order of the Phoenix  
**Warnings:** None  
**Summary**: After the events of OofP, Lupin is coming to terms with the losses in his life and struggling to continue with his role in the order. RL/HG  
**Disclaimer:** All characters and situations from Harry Potter are properties of J.K Rowling, Scholastic Press, Warner Bros. and others. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Chapter Three - Shifting Pain**

The water beaded and ran down the imperfections on the tiled wall of the shower. A trail followed in the waters wake and disappeared after it. Lupin ran his finger down the now invisible path and lent his head gently against the cool shiny surface of the tile. The warm water of the shower stung the open wounds that he had received but it felt good, it at least made him feel. He shut his eyes briefly, and felt the skin on his forehead start to cool. He knew that in half an hour he was going to have to try and explain all the events of the night before to Dumbledore. It wasn't something he particularly wanted to do right now.

All he really wanted to do was go to sleep, every muscle ached within him and if he was honest to himself, sleep would offer a much-needed oblivion, at least until the dreams started. He knew though he wasn't the only one in the house having those dreams, on several occasions he had heard the children screaming in their sleep. No one seemed to have escaped trauma and no one seemed to be able to escape his or her dreams for long. Every time he saw that hollow eyed look in the morning from one of the children it made his heart break, it made him want to rage against the unfairness of it all, mostly it caused a paternal like feeling akin to parental righteous protection and fury.

Lupin realised the water had started to turn cold and he knew he must have let time slip by. He finished washing and stepped out of the shower, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. Standing in front of the basin he wiped the condensation off of the mirror above. He looked at his face and saw his wet untamed hair hanging in his eyes.

There was nothing feral about his face, nothing wolfish but there was something haunted about that face, something that said it had seen and felt too much. The grey flecks in his hair emphasised the belief that there was too much lost, and framed it. Lupin looked into his own eyes for a moment, there was a flicker of emotion across his face and then it was gone. Lupin dried and dressed, he didn't look into the mirror again.

As Lupin quietly crept down the stairs to the kitchen he heard many voices, some laughing, some chatting animatedly, the rest were concentrating on eating. He could hear the sound of knives and forks on china. His stomach turned slightly, he wasn't really ready to eat anything but he knew he should try otherwise people would worry. He knew that he had gotten a little thin recently; he knew that Molly Weasley had noticed it too; she was constantly cooking biscuits and cakes. She never asked him if he were hungry, she just put the plate of biscuits/cake in front of him and hoped to tempt him. Some times she even succeeded. Lupin smiled and pushed open the door.

There were quite a few people sitting at the large table, which seemed to have gotten a little longer. All the younger Weasley's were there, as well as Harry and Hermione. As Lupin glanced at Hermione he saw concern etched in her face and then looked to see that look echoed on Molly and Tonk's faces, he saw the two of them exchange a meaningful glance that communicated some important message. Molly jumped up and moved around the table toward him.

"Remus, come and sit down. There's plenty to eat, would you like a drink?" Molly was smiling that genuine sunshine smile of hers while she mothered him to a seat at the table without giving him the chance to say no.

He decided just to go with the flow and did as he was told and sat in the empty seat next to Tonks. He was now sitting in front of Hermione and Harry. Ron, who was sitting the other side of Lupin, Fred and George openly stared at Lupin's face, quite shocked to see how badly scratched up it was. He saw their eyes glance to Hermione, who must have told them what had happened.

Lupin dropped his fork on his plate and it made a loud clattering sound that almost immediately silenced the room, at the same time he cried out a yelp of pain. Tonks put her hand on Lupin's shoulder and said quickly "Remus are you ok?"

He nodded and said "Just a shooting pain from my cracked rib, don't worry I'm fine. Really." At her look of doubt he repeated himself. "Really."

Tonks didn't look so convinced but everyone started to eat again and the moment passed. Lupin bent down slightly and massaged his now aching shinbone and he looked at Hermione who had gone completely crimson. Lupin could see that she had been trying to kick Ron who was sitting on the other side of him, probably because he'd been staring at his own injuries, but had missed and kicked him instead. She looked mortified and close to tears.

Lupin smiled at her warmly and tried to convey through the look that it wasn't anything to worry about, but he couldn't help the dance of amusement at the corners of his mouth though. Hermione on the other hand did seem to think it was something to worry about because she shortly finished her meal and left mumbling her thanks to Molly on her way out of the door, her face still red.

Hermione went and sat upstairs in one of the sitting rooms, she often went there to read if she wanted or needed some peace and quiet. She especially liked the many bookshelves that littered the walls. She was still glowing red sitting in the high backed armchair but she at least felt less exposed. She thought about poor Professor Lupin's leg again and her face burned hotter. It was sweet the way he had covered up her embarrassment but when she thought about the way he smiled at her after she felt her face burn hotter still. He had seemed to find the whole thing quite amusing, a fact that he had kept so poorly hidden; she remembered the twitching at the corners of his mouth.At least he hadn't shouted at her, which would have been a lot worse. Hermione smiled a little and tried not to think of it anymore.

Professor Lupin had seemed very quiet and insular at dinner as if he had a great deal on his mind, Hermione thought. She could remember how dreadful he had sounded the night before when he had been having those terrible convulsions, it must have been awful for him. Her mind drifted to the way he looked after exiting the cellar after last night. He really had looked very ill, but then he didn't know what had been happening to him did he. It made Hermione very sad sometimes when she thought about how Lupin suffered sometimes, he never complained, never grew angry with his lot in life. Sometimes Hermione wondered at his patience, it seemed bottomless, but then with Sirius and James as friends she really didn't find it that surprising at all, not if Harry was anything to go by.

It was at this point Hermione decided to look through some of the books on the shelves, there were quite a few on Werewolf lore, Sirius had thought it a joke and bought some via Tonks because he couldn't leave the house. Hermione smiled thinking of how devilish Sirius could be, "_Or was_…" Hermione's mind corrected her, and her heart dropped a little.

She reached up and selected a book called Madly Ravening Beasts and started to read.

It was probably about fifteen minutes later that Ron and Harry came to find her, they found her snuggled up in the high backed chair with a book in her lap, her face was almost too close to the pages and she was reading avidly. They tried sporadically to engage her in some sort of conversation but she became tetchy from being disturbed whilst trying to concentrate. They soon gave up and moved on to pestering Ginny in the downstairs sitting room for a game of exploding snap.

As Hermione read her mind began to wander a little and she found herself thinking back to dinner. It wasn't long before she was red faced again. It was at this point she tried to shake off the embarrassed feeling by concentrating harder on the book.

After the meal, Lupin tried to help tidy the plates' away but was shooed into sitting at the table and watching everyone else do it. Once all the cleaning and tidying had been dealt with Arthur, Molly and Tonks sat down with a fresh pot of tea. Molly poured Lupin a cup and placed some freshly baked fruitcake in front of him. He left it untouched. They chatted about the meal and who was going to be present at dinner tomorrow when Dumbledore walked into the kitchen, followed by Snape and McGonagall. Molly made some more tea and everyone quieted to hear what Dumbledore had to say.

Snape made no disguise of staring openly at Lupin; he had taken out his wand and placed it on the table in front of him. The look he was giving Lupin was one of disgust but Lupin ignored it and allowed a small benign smile at Snape, which of course infuriated him more.

Lupin noticed at this point that Dumbledore was also watching him but he just tilted his head and said, "How are you feeling Remus?"

Everyone turned to look at him and he felt a little uncomfortable. "I ache, but physically I have recovered from last night. I'm still not sure what happened but tonight I am going to sleep in the cellar, just to be sure." He looked down at his teacup not wanting to see anyone's face.

"I'm sure that it won't be necessary Remus but for safety's sake I believe that would be a good idea." Dumbledore paused and then added "I had been hoping that you would be able to give us a little more information about last night, including the circumstances that led up to you being locked in the cellar." Dumbledore looked a little apologetic but his eyes were serious.

Lupin nodded, knowing that this moment was going to come. He took another sip of tea and placed his cup back on its saucer, more to delay the inevitable and try to think where to start.

"Well yesterday I spent a great deal of time researching some of the old tomes that you gave to me to look at Albus. In fact that's what I had been doing for most of the week. I felt that I had been making a little progress and I needed to cross reference some details with a few other books, so I went to the book shop in Diagon Alley to find some copies of these other books. It went well I found all but one, and I was quite eager to get back to check to see if my theories were right. It was getting late and I was going to apparate back to my house when I was knocked over by this young girl. My books went everywhere and she was most apologetic, helped me up right away, and assisted me in picking up my books. She left then, in a rush to be somewhere I guess. " Lupin paused feeling more than a little foolish, he sipped some more tea and his hand shook a little, no one spoke in the silence and then he continued.

"I apparated back home and set myself back to work. The first strange thing I noticed that was wrong, was that I felt very emotional." He saw the others exchange glances. "My work wasn't going well and I was becoming very irritated by it, to the point I threw my notes across the room. It was then that I realised something was very wrong. My heart had started to beat strongly in my chest. I could feel my…er…" He paused looking a little embarrassed, trying to find the right wording, "My more base instincts were overwhelming me. I knew I had to find someone, and get help. That was when I floo powdered to your office Albus, that was also when I could feel myself being lost." He looked a little wan at describing losing his mind, but then he was used to changing into a Werewolf every month. It had always been a horrid thing and he remembered the fear he felt when he entered Dumbledore's office. He was afraid that he was going to lose himself forever, but Dumbledore had calmed him for a few minutes.

Lupin looked up at Dumbledore at this point and saw sympathy and understanding within that jewel like gaze. Dumbledore nodded encouragingly and said, "Tell me how you felt before you passed out in my office."

Lupin nodded and said, "I felt as though the beast within me were rising as if it would have on a full moon." There were a few gasps of surprise and Molly looked horrified. Lupin continued. "I knew then that I had made a terrible mistake in going to you Albus, in going to anyone. I should have gone to the secure room I have at home and I should have locked myself in. I was terribly afraid I would kill you Albus, and that was when the convulsions started and I blacked out. When I woke up in the cellar at Grimmauld Place I knew that I couldn't have killed you, and I also realised that I never actually changed into the Werewolf. I knew this because I was still clothed and because there is usually a specific feeling that lingers after the change. I am sorry it's hard to explain if you've never experienced it. Some of it felt like I had changed though, the pain and the aching were the same." Looking at the faces around the table, Lupin could see that this had disturbed them rather a lot; he really couldn't blame them for that.

Lupin remained quiet while Dumbledore and the others explained the events in the kitchen the night before. He realised then why Hermione had reacted to him so strangely, rightly so too. That just seemed to emphasize the feelings of self-disgust and horror at what had happened. He should have been more careful.

The meeting broke up and everyone started to chat in general. Snape left in a whirl of black robes no doubt to carry out Dumbledore's requests for the Order. Not Remus though, active duty for the time being had been ruled out. So had going home by himself. The last thing in the world he had wanted was to be caged up at Grimmauld place. With a frown and the churn of his stomach he realised that this indeed must have been how Sirius felt. He suddenly felt very crowded and the need to be alone was immense. He left the kitchen without saying a word, which was noticed by Dumbledore, who watched his retreating back whilst talking to McGonagall.

From her place in the sitting room, Hermione heard someone coming up the stairs. This in itself was not unusual. The unusual thing was that the person traversing the stairs continued up to the Attic. Hermione got up from her chair and stumbled a little; from the poor circulation her legs had been getting for the last hour or so. She made her way to the doorway and took a peek to see if she could see who was on the stairs. She didn't see anyone, but did hear a door shut. She made a mental note to look and see who the person was when they came downstairs.

The silhouette of a tired face hovered near the small grimy window recessed in the attic wall. Only a small amount could be seen out of such a window, though surprisingly it was the sole source of light in the room. Lupin clutched a glass in his hand and the amber liquid within shined from the dim light of the grubby window. He sipped the drink and felt the fire in his chest from the alcohol. His eyes were glazed slightly and he stared at nothing in particular through the window. The room still smelled of Beaky, which wasn't an entirely nice smell but it reminded him of Sirius. Lupin knew that Sirius had spent an increasing amount of time in this room towards the end of his life. That little fact made him feel as though he were a little closer to him. He missed Sirius dreadfully. Having to morn for him once and then even in anger at the thought of a false betrayal was bad enough. Losing him a second time after realising all the time that they had lost, was unbearable. He felt the weight of his grief bear down on him and his chest tightened at the leaden feeling on his heart.

Lupin turned away from the window and pressed his back against the wall for support. He laid his head back and it touched the cold plaster. With his eyes closed he imagined James and Sirius, as they had been in the first year at Hogwarts. Then the anger rose and his heart thudded painfully beneath his chest. They hadn't deserved what happened to them. As he felt his grief rise, he lost his grip on the glass he was holding and it fell to the floor, smashing. It broke him from his reverie and he bent to clean it up.

Downstairs Hermione heard the thud and tinkle of smashing glass. Slowly putting her book down, Hermione rose with her eyes locked to the ceiling. Without moving her eyes from the ceiling, Hermione instinctively reached out for her wand and grasped it. She didn't think that anyone else had heard the noise because there hadn't been a sudden rush up the stairs from below. Briefly she wondered whether she should call out and ask someone from downstairs to come and look. She shook her head visibly. They were safe here; it was probably Ron or Harry, or both mucking about. She considered this as she walked over to the door, which was still slightly ajar. It probably wasn't them; she would have heard more noise by now. She opened to door and took a cursory look to check that the landing was clear. It was clear so she slowly moved towards the stairs leading to the attic. Hermione didn't know why she felt apprehensive, there wasn't anything to be scared of in this house other than the paintings. It was just that experience had told her in the past that the unexpected could and would happen sometimes.

Placing her right foot on the stairs, she winced slightly as it creaked. Carefully she made her way up and was soon in front of an aged wooden door. Hermione's right hand gripped the tarnished silver serpentine handle and opened the door.

At first she didn't see anything in the gloom, other than the grubby window, which allowed a dim light. "Lumos!" Hermione waived her wand in the direction of the window. It was then that she saw the figure of Professor Lupin sitting against a wall in the corner of the room, closest to the window. She saw that there was a bottle on the floor by his feet and there was a glass in his hand. His back lent against the wall and he rested one elbow on a raised knee, the other leg lay out flat. This was probably the most relaxed position Hermione had ever seen the Professor in. He was also looking straight at her.

"Good evening Hermione." Lupin said quietly.

Something about the way his voice sounded made Hermione look at him more sharply than she had intended. Was he perhaps a little drunk? Hermione wasn't sure and she stepped further into the room.

"Are you alright Professor?" Hermione's voice was shriller than she would have liked but she was concerned, and couldn't hide it. She heard the Professor moving before she registered it with her eyes. He stood, still holding the glass.

"Yes Hermione, I'm fine." Lupin smiled at her and stepped forward. He muttered an incantation and a few candles in the room lit up; the light accentuated the lines around his eyes. Any hint at what he had been feeling before Hermione had entered the room was banished.

"I heard a noise. It sounded like glass smashing. I thought I ought to take a look and make sure everything up here was … alright." Hermione explained feeling stupid because she knew how he would respond to what she had just said. She was sure that she was about to receive a lecture on not investigating strange noises by one's self, which in hindsight she guessed she deserved. He didn't though.

Lupin stepped forward and patted Hermione on the shoulder. He seemed to struggle with what he wanted to say and when he spoke a few moments later, his voice was quiet.

"I was just saying goodbye to an old friend."

The statement hung in the air and Hermione's heart felt heavy, she didn't know how to respond to that. Her mind immediately went back to the night before when Lupin had been in the cellar. She was also surprised that he had told her what he was doing but not surprised at what he must be feeling.

After he had spoken Lupin looked down at Hermione and there was a strange look in her eyes. A strong look of grief and pity mixed into one but there was more to it than that. There was acknowledgement and recognition as though she had expected it from him. For a moment she seemed a lot older than she was. She looked as if she was going to say something and then changed her mind.

"Are you ok Hermione? You seem …troubled by something." Lupin spoke concerned that perhaps he had upset her in some way.

"Well no…that is to say that I am ok. I'm just…" Hermione struggled cursing herself for even starting to speak because now she couldn't finish the sentence. "It's just that, the other night when you were in the cellar…" Hermione looked up to judge the reaction from Lupin, which seemed to be closed and rapt. " In the cellar you said something. Or rather called out for someone." She finished hoping blindly he wouldn't ask whom even though she knew he would.

He ran his hand through his grey-flecked hair and sighed a little and as he looked up he noticed Hermione biting her lip nervously. He could guess what she was not saying but felt that he had to ask. He felt a little exposed and wondered what else she had heard him say.

"What did I say?" He said simply.

"You called out for Sirius." Hermione said quietly, almost whispering, not wanting to be the bearer of this piece of news.

Lupin smiled benignly at Hermione. "I guess it must have been on my mind. Had Sirius been around to hear I'm sure he would have teased me mercilessly." Lupin tried hard to hide the feelings that swelled up inside him, even though he had known what she was going to say. He tried to make light of the situation. He could see that revealing this had caused her some discomfort. He gestured to the door and they both walked out. Lupin left the glass and the bottle behind.

Hermione turned and spoke looking down at the floor. "I wasn't the only one that heard you. Professor Snape and Tonks heard you also." Hermione sound apologetic but then hastily added, "I haven't said anything to Harry or Ron, I didn't think it was my place to tell them."

Lupin nodded, his face impassive. "Thank you Hermione. I know I can rely on you to act appropriately. I appreciate your tact in this situation." His face softened and again tried to reassure her. "I'm fine now, so lets go down stairs and have a cup of tea. We can discuss why it's a bad idea to go exploring on your own when you hear strange noises." He smiled, amused at the look of surprise and reluctance on Hermione's face.

As Lupin followed Hermione down the stairs, he thought about what she had told him. It almost felt as if he were struggling to contain his feelings about Sirius and he wondered if he was coping with it badly. The thudding of the journey down the stairs was accentuating the thud that was starting drill into his head. What had he been thinking? Drinking Sirius's old fire whiskey. He shook his head to himself as he reached the bottom of the stairs and followed Hermione through into the kitchen.

Hermione was bustling around making tea and Molly directed Lupin to the table to sit down. She placed a plate of biscuits in front of him. He left them untouched. Lupin rubbed his temples until Hermione placed a cup of steaming tea in front of him. She looked at him and he glanced up and moment passed between them, a quiet understanding. He smiled a little and sipped his tea.

It didn't take long for Lupin's mind to wander back to Sirius and deep in his thoughts he barely registered the fact that Dumbledore and Snape had entered the room. His headache had gotten worse and he was finding it difficult to concentrate. His heart pounded in his chest and he got up from the table and stood by the window where no one could see his face. He rested his hands either side of the window frame and gripped it. Lowering his head he tried to push down the feelings within him that rose, he feared they might consume him. He felt his heart thumping in his chest harder and more swiftly than before and he let out a small whimper of pain. He raised his head quickly knowing that it was going to happen again and turned around, Dumbledore had his wand out.

"Remus, you must go to the cellar, do you understand me?" Dumbledore's eyes burned like ice fire.

Lupin felt his limbs starting to shake and his muscles spasm, he cried out in pain, _"No…No…not now."_

The last thing he heard was the word _Stupefy_.

**A/N: **Revised and edited 11/02/05


	4. Like Desert Storms

**Old Moon by Lucid**

**Characters:** Remus Lupin, Hermione Granger, Snape and Dumbledore.  
**Genres:** Action / Adventure, Angst, Romance.  
**Timeline:** Post Order of the Phoenix  
**Warnings:** None  
**Summary:** Lupin is coming to terms with the losses in his life and struggling to continue with his role within The Order. He has more trouble than he thought when a mysterious ailment plagues him and makes him a danger to those in the Order. Leading to RLHG.

**Disclaimer:** All characters and situations from Harry Potter are properties of J.K Rowling, Scholastic Press, Warner Bros. and others. No copyright infringement is intended.

**A/N:** Thank you amarisrl, BrokenPoet12, ArwenLumos, Captain Oblivious, sportzgrl627, a.bolina, trevor-bruttenholm, abesapien, AmaLee1 and Lee Davies.

* * *

**Chapter Four - Like Desert Storms**

Lupin awoke with a start. It was pitch black and his eyes searched the darkness to no avail, he could see nothing. He tried to sit up, but failed. He was tied down. He was thankful for that at least. He wouldn't have been able to scratch himself, as he had the last time. Though now his quandary was how long would he have to lay there until someone came down into the cellar. His mind wandered back to the night before and he shuddered. Losing control like this just wasn't him. Lupin didn't think he could live with himself if he actually hurt anyone through all this.

Lupin lay there for over an hour before he heard the creak of the cellar door. He turned his head slightly towards the light and heard the slow careful steps of someone descending. He couldn't see who it was in the cloying darkness until he heard the word, "Lumos!" It was Dumbledore.

Dumbledore sat down in a chair near the makeshift bed that Lupin was laying upon. Dumbledore looked a little tired and there was concern etched into his face. His eyes traced Lupin's face and there was a flicker of worry.

"How are you feeling Remus?" The words were low and quiet.

"I seem to have my senses back." His words sounded dejected to his own ears.

Dumbledore nodded. "There are some things that I should mention to you before I release you from your bindings. I cannot in all good conscience allow you back up without informing you of these few things."

Lupin's heart was in his mouth wondering what on earth Dumbledore was going to say. He looked at the wizened old face and could see no clue; he simply waited for the older man to continue.

"Last night you partially changed into werewolf form." Lupin's eyes widened, but before he could speak Dumbledore continued. "No-one was hurt, so please don't concern yourself with that. However, you raged for most of the night. The partial transformation left you in a great deal of pain, and I can see than you remember none of it. We do, that is to say thanks to Hermione, have an idea as to what it is. More importantly I need you to stay in tight control of your emotions, failure to do so on your part may initialise another change in you. Do you understand?" Dumbledore was leaning forward slightly in his chair waiting on Lupin's word.

"I understand, though an explanation would be nice." Lupin sounded worried.

"Of course Remus. I would rather let you out and talk about it calmly over a cup of tea, if you have no objections of course." There was the smallest flash of a smile and a twinkle.

"Yes, tea would be nice."

* * *

In the early hours of the morning Hermione found that she was mentally exhausted. She had been looking through Werewolf lore and information for hours. It didn't help that she really didn't know what she was looking for, only that she wished to assist in someway and help Professor Lupin. So she assisted in the only way she knew how, she researched and read. The Black Library had many many books; quite a few of them were dark and not the sort of thing a young witch should read. Never the less, Hermione ploughed through them and tried to find some sort of meaning to what was happening to poor Professor Lupin. 

Her eyes glazed over as her mind wandered from the book in front of her. Hermione's thoughts took her to the morning. She remembered just how awful the Professor had looked, and she felt a wave of sympathy for him. All those cuts and bruises must have hurt him terribly. She remembered though his weakened voice calling out for Sirius and she felt a lump grow in her throat at the thought of it. All those scars he had inside… Hermione swallowed and shook herself back to her task in hand; dwelling on things past never really did any good. She instead applied herself back to the books in front of her.

Still having had no luck Hermione picked up a book called 'Obitus Herba'. It was blackened and musty with age. Opening the book caused a puff of dust to expel into the air, the pages were freckled with mould. Looking through its pages though was quite depressing. So many things that could cause harm to people, why would somebody want a book like this? Further in, the descriptions of plants were left behind and actually potions were being described, as well as foul curses. They were awful, awful draughts and Hermione felt sickened looking at them. She was almost to the point where she could see no more when she found something that stopped her cold. Lupis Dementia. Wolf insanity. Her eyes quickly flicked down further on the pages and read avidly.

_Lupis Dementia - is falsely thought to be the degradation of a Werewolves mind due to the mind becoming confused as to its nature. It is in actual fact a Potion, created solely to oust those half-breeds that try to pass within polite society, as humans. The application of the Potion is very simple. A sample of the plant Diabolous Medinus must be picked on the night of the full moon. It then must be crushed and infused into boiling water. It must be left to boil and reduce to a syrupy consistency. It then has to be bottled immediately, lest it lose potency. A few drops into the beasts drink are all it will take to reveal it's vile nature. It will become harder and harder for it to control its basest nature as the animal fights for dominance within. Of course the wolf will eventually win, a fitting end to a foul beast. Sometimes if a beast is particularly resistant it may take a few more doses to wear it down, this is advisable otherwise the effect may wear off. The use of Illystium Argentum negates all effects of Diabolous Medinus._

Hermione read the passage several times to make sure that what she had read was in fact true. She wiped her brow and found that it was slick with cold sweat. She was more than a little alarmed and she felt her heart beat like a drum in her chest. Could this be the reason for what was happening to Professor Lupin? If that was true then somebody had deliberately done this to the Professor. Another cold shiver ran through her. In her mind Hermione knew that things were only going to get worse since the resurrection of Voldemort but this was hard to swallow.

Hermione stood, grabbed the book, and made her way out of the room and down the stairs. She was guessing somebody was watching Professor Lupin, or at least guarding the door. As she reached the bottom of the stairs she saw that the cellar door was indeed locked. The kitchen door was slightly ajar and a warm glow flickered from within hinting at a fire. Opening the door carefully she was surprised to see Dumbledore drinking tea with Professor Snape.

Hermione quickly spoke not giving Professor Snape the chance to berate her for being up at this early hour again.

"Professor Dumbledore I've found something useful…" Snape snorted. "Something that might help Professor Lupin."

Instead of berating her though Professor Snape eyes wandered to the book in her hands and he immediately reached for it. Hermione relented it and watched as Professor Snape read the passage. His eyes widened and he looked quickly to Dumbledore and gave a little nod.

"This seems plausible to me." Snape said almost enviously his eyes glittering darkly.

He passed the book over to Dumbledore who brushed the page with his gaze also. He smiled and looked at Hermione, his eyes soft and blue.

"Well done Miss Granger. Of course we will need to prove this theory and test it, but this sounds very plausible indeed." Dumbledore turned to Professor Snape and said "Illystium Argentum? Is that problematic to find Severus?"

"It's not an everyday ingredient but not completely rare. It is prized for it's silver coloured flower. I think that it would be unlikely that this potion has been used. I doubt the opportunity to administer it would arise. I would suggest that Lupin re-examine the last week for such an opportunity. I of course will look into the matter straight away Headmaster." Snape arose from the table leaving his tea half drunk and went out the front door quietly.

"Tea Miss Granger?" Dumbledore had the pot in his hand and was hovering over a cup that had appeared from nowhere.

"Yes please Professor." Hermione was biting her lip and failing miserably at acting calm.

Dumbledore poured the tea and looked at Hermione appraisingly. "Is there something more on your mind Miss Granger?"

Looking up at Dumbledore, Hermione considered her words and said, "Yes actually there is sir. This thing that has been done to Professor Lupin, well, it's been done deliberately hasn't it? Some horror of a person has sneakily administered this vile brew in the hope that he would…die." Hermione's voice hitched a pitch higher and her eyes glistened with the threat of tears. "I know we are at war so to speak but I never expected stuff like this." Tears were now flowing over. "I never imagined it would be so…evil."

Hermione cried and Dumbledore patted her hand and gave her a moment to consol herself. He looked as though he was considering something and he nodded to himself.

"I'm sorry sir, I'm being silly." Hermione said wiping her tears away.

Dumbledore's expression then changed and he looked saddened. "Hermione I wish I could say to you that you were being silly, but you are not. These are the times that we live in and I wish I could protect everyone from what's going to happen, but I cant. It will get worse. That's the only promise I can make with confidence. This is what Evil is, it's awfulness will constantly surprise us, and so it should. One never gets used to living with evil, knowing it co-exists with us daily is frightening. We have to live however, with our own lives and choices. Is it truly harder to fight it, or is it harder not to fight knowing what will happen if we don't? Could you live with that choice?" Dumbledore looked down at his teacup silently and stared for a moment into the hot water.

"I never believed that I had a choice sir." Hermione said. Her eyes glistened not with tears but that famous Gryffindor courage.

He smiled softly at Hermione. "No I don't suppose you did." His eyes shone warmly at Hermione and she felt a rejuvenated sense of purpose within. "Now I do believe that Remus will be wanting a cup of tea and a spot of toast."

Hermione blinked and stood. "I'll get something ready for him shall I? Would you like some Professor?"

"I wouldn't say no to a slice of toast. Thank you Hermione. Now I shall fetch Remus." Dumbledore stood and gracefully walked over to the cellar and opened the door slowly. He disappeared down the black hole in a swish of robes.

Hermione rattled around the kitchen, cooking toast and boiling the kettle for tea. She was glad of the task because she then wouldn't have to think about what Dumbledore had said. She knew he was right of course but it didn't make it any easier to think about. Hermione's mind then drifted to Professor Lupin as she brewed the tea. She hoped he wasn't as badly hurt, as he was this time yesterday and briefly wondered whether she should get out the first aid stuff again. The sound of creaking stairs alerted her to the fact Dumbledore was returning.

She turned and looked towards the door and saw Dumbledore and Professor Lupin emerge from behind it. Lupin looked drain and exhausted. His hair was all over the place and hung in his eyes.

Not accustomed to the tangled mane Lupin raked his hand through it a couple of times in an attempted to tame it. It didn't work and it just fell back into his vision. He sat down at the table and reached for a cup of tea, he placed in a couple of sugars and stirred it. He knew that Hermione was staring at him he could feel it. Turning to meet her gaze, he saw a look of pity in her eyes and then she jumped realising her faux pas. She turned around to fetch the toast and placed it on the table in front of Dumbledore and Lupin. First she was scared of him and now she pitied him, he really didn't know what was worse.

Hermione stared at him still seeing the scars from yesterday and remembering his pain. His skin was so frail and he seemed so fragile, even though she knew that physically he was stronger than he looked. He looked weary and slightly pathetic like a wet puppy in the rain. All Hermione wanted to do was wrap him in blankets and feed him chicken soup with an on tap supply of tea. Then he turned and looked at her his eyes fixing on hers and she jumped. Her reverie broken she turned quickly and grabbed the toast and placed it on the table in front of the two men.

Lupin and Dumbledore sat discussing the nature of the potion that Lupin had been with. Hermione observed how calm he seemed about it, if it had have been her she would have been furious. It wasn't long however before Dumbledore stood and made his goodbyes, to Hermione and Professor Lupin. He left quietly, not wanting to awaken the portraits.

As Lupin watched Dumbledore leave, he felt his hope leaving with him. He felt a little frustrated and was starting to understand how Sirius had felt…before. He pushed the rising emotion down and boxed it for another time, remembering what Dumbledore had said to him downstairs. He looked around to see Hermione sitting nearly opposite him, at the table. She was looking into her teacup.

"Any Grims today?" He smiled softly.

Hermione looked up and shook her bushy head.

"I believe I owe you a thank you. For helping find a possible solution to my little problem. Thank you Hermione." He smiled warmly at her and it lit his face.

Hermione looked a little red but smiled back. She was pleased to see him smile; the difference it made to his face was amazing. "I had to do something, so I hit the books. God have you seen some of the books up there, they are truly vile."

"That they are indeed. They should probably be taken to a secure library."

"Keep them? Shouldn't we burn them?" Asked Hermione in disbelief.

"No book should ever be burned Hermione." Lupin spoke softly and patiently. "If they were to have been burned then you would have never spotted what was happening to me. No such knowledge should be kept, but kept safely, under lock and key."

Hermione nodded with understanding. He was quite right of course; she couldn't believe she'd said something that silly.

Lupin yawned and looked apologetic. "I think I may have to go back to bed. If you need me I'll be down stairs…in the cellar." He shrugged

Hermione looked at his retreating back and just as he reached the door she said, "Have sweet dreams professor."

He didn't say anything but he looked at Hermione and saw she really meant what she had said. The very word sweet seemed personify her exactly at that point and he smiled a warm smile in her direction.

"I do believe I will, Miss Granger." He said mimicking her formality.

* * *

_**Authors Notes**_

_"Reviews are like chocolates, after the first, each one is just as sweet after that."_

I would like to thank everyone for his or her wonderful reviews. I want you to know it does keep me writing. I hope this chapter has answered some of your questions.

_'Obitus Herbae'_ - Death Plants


	5. The Price I Pay

**A/N: **Apologies to everyone for the wait of the update. I had some revising to do to the previous chapters, which I've now finished. It would be best to reread from the beginning I think before reading this instalment. At the very least chapter 3 should be re-read because of the changes made there.

Anyway…. Enjoy!

* * *

**The Price I Pay**

The last few days of the Holidays seemed to be passing quicker for Hermione. She was having entirely too much fun with Harry and Ron. It was nice to see Harry more like his old self, even though you could still see his pain deep within. Hermione had shrewdly noticed that Harry had taken to quietly avoiding Professor Lupin. She understood why he did it but she wasn't entirely convinced it was a healthy thing to be doing. Shouldn't they be helping and healing each other? It seemed more likely that he was frightened Professor Lupin would mention Sirius. Men!

Hermione also couldn't help but notice that Lupin had been a bit quiet for the last week. He had been spending more time than was usual at Grimmauld Place. Hermione suspected it was to make certain the effects of the Potion had completely worn off. It certainly didn't make for a happy Professor Lupin. Not that he showed it of course, but Hermione was starting to learn the very subtle differences in the way that Professor Lupin acted. Professor Lupin rarely ate with everyone else preferring to eat alone. Any time he had spent in company had been Order meetings and some evenings in the sitting room. It was nice to see him in the sitting room; Hermione always relished a chance at discussing an interesting subject with him. It was wonderful to have someone intellectual to talk to, and as much as she loved Harry and Ron, they just weren't like that. He was probably the only person other than Dumbledore that had treated as a person with her own mind.

As it was Hermione was quite looking forward to the trip to Diagon Alley. They were going to pick up their school supplies there. Hermione knew that there had been some reservations about whether they all should go or not. Of course Harry and Ron had started to complain loudly when it looked as though they weren't going to go at all. The adults decided that a meeting of minds was in order and none of those minds were going to be Harry, Ron or Hermione, so they had slouched off into the sitting area to await the verdict. The verdict had been that each of them had to be accompanied by an adult. They also all had to go separately, which kind of took the fun out of things. Tonks had volunteered to take Harry and Molly was going to take Ron. Ron didn't seem too happy about that. Professor Lupin had volunteered to take Hermione and she was very pleased to be able to spend a little more time with him. The general consensus was that a large group of them would probably attract too much attention. It was decided that if they went in pairs there would be less chance of anything dodgy happening. It would be nice to spend time with him without having the cloying gloom of Grimmauld place around them.

* * *

The sunlight sliced through the curtains of the kitchen and cut it's way across the table. It didn't seem to disturb the occupants who were sleepily sipping tea. Tonks, Lupin and Molly Weasley sat in silence and drank. It wasn't long before the scraping of Molly's chair broke the silence and she set about making breakfast. Lupin took a vial out of his pocket. It was clear glass with a light grey powder in it. He shook it up a little and sprinkled a teaspoon into his tea. Tonks looked at him bemused. He could see she was wondering what it was. He smiled softly.

"Its powdered Illystium Argentum. Severus suggested that I keep taking a small infusion each day, just in case I were to be re-poisoned by someone. It's not a bother, though it tastes like uncooked meat."

Tonks looked at him and laughed a little. "Eat much raw meat d' you? How would you know…?" The laughter and the comment died. Tonk's face fell slightly and she put her hand on his arm. "God, I'm sorry Remus. I wasn't thinking. Y'know me, foot in mouth at all times."

Lupin patted her hand and said. "Think nothing of it. I'm just grateful it's not like that anymore. Oh and Tonks?" He looked serious.

"Yes." She said looking a little worried.

"What does foot taste like?" He smiled as she giggled and play slapped his arm.

"You're a bloody tease Remus." She stood up. "I daresay those kids are still in bed, well apart from Hermione who's probably finishing washing up as we speak whilst reading a few chapters of a book!" She smiled and then laughed when she noticed the book beside Lupin. He followed the direction of her eyes and saw the book and looked a little embarrassed.

"Nothing wrong with that. It's the sign of a determined mind" Lupin picked the book up and held it. He ignored the one raised eyebrow look he was getting from Tonks. "It's for Hermione anyway. I think she'd find it useful for the coming year." Tonks sniggered and made her way up the stairs. She passed Hermione on the way down.

Hermione looked at Tonks and said "Morning." Tonks just nodded and smiled, seeming to find something amusing. Hermione shook her head, for an Auror that one was a bit daft. On entering the kitchen she saw Molly preparing a little breakfast, who turned to see who had entered.

"Good morning Hermione dear. Help yourself to some fresh toast." Molly said brightly setting down a plate of toast.

Hermione smiled and said, "Thank you Molly" and tucked in. It was at this point Hermione noticed that Professor Lupin was sitting at the breakfast table too. He was watching her as though fascinated by something, also with an amused smile on his face.

"Morning Professor." She said through her toast.

Lupin smiled and said "Good morning Hermione."

The Professor looked better this morning than he had the entire time he had been at Grimmauld place. His face seemed to radiate happiness and he looked pleased about something even as he chewed his toast. Hermione realised how it was sad that she was surprised that he looked happy. Had she just gotten so used to him being quietly sad and withdrawn? She quietly ate her toast and drank her tea, every now and then flicking a glance his way. What was he so pleased about?

"Looking forward to doing a little shopping today?" He smiled and it reached his eyes almost making him look younger.

Grinning Hermione replied, "Yes I am. Though I hope you like bookstores as I intend to go to most of them."

Lupin's smile became a little wider. "Are there other shops than book shops then?" He raised an eyebrow in pretend confusion.

Laughing at his mock confusion Hermione couldn't believe the change in the Professor. He had been so sullen the rest of the time, why the sudden change? For some reason this thought seemed to tug at her, familiar somehow, yet she didn't know why.

"When do we leave?" Hermione asked excitedly.

"We'll be the first ones to go. I suggested at the meeting that we should be the first to leave, as Harry and Ron would need the extra time to wake up. Indeed if they were up at all…" Lupin gestured to the trouble Molly was having rousing the boys. Upstairs there was a feint shuffling around, movement at last.

Hermione giggled a little at Lupin's humour and also in excitement about leaving Grimmauld place and getting some fresh air. It was then that her face fell as she realised why Lupin's behaviour was familiar to her. Sirius had been the same way. Sullen and then excited at the thought of people either visiting or the prospect of leaving the house entirely. The realisation made her stomach churn a little. She tried to hide her thoughts by quickly leaving the table with her plate and returning it to the sink. She frantically tried to make sense of what she had realised. Was their behaviour exactly the same? Well perhaps Lupin had been more withdrawn rather than sulky as Sirius had been. She knew that the Professor didn't behave in the same way as Sirius but perhaps this house brought it out in people. The small similarity made her heart ache.

"Well they really are taking far too long this time." Said Molly heatedly beside Hermione. "It's no good I'm going to have to drag them into the bathroom." With that she went up the stairs in such a manner that Hermione was glad she wasn't still in bed.

Remus wasn't fooled in the slightest by Hermione's sudden interest in the sink. He'd seen the expression on her face and he hadnt liked it one bit. Evidently she still had something on her mind. Lupin decided to give Hermione ample opportunity to air any problems she might have during the course of the day. He knew that Harry had been avoiding him like the Plague; he didn't want Hermione to start as well. He understood why Harry avoided him of course; he was the one link left that attached Harry to his parents and Sirius. In a small way Remus was glad of it because he had found it so very hard to control his emotions during the time he had been poisoned. Then on the other hand, he really did worry about how Harry was feeling. He had tried to talk to Harry of course but Harry couldn't even look at him. Time would pass and Harry would eventually be able to talk about it, that or explode. Remus sighed. Harry would go back to school soon and lose the chance to discuss it for a while.

Lupin stood and looked concerned, at Hermione's back.

"Hermione? Are you ready to go?" Lupin's voice betrayed no concern but sounded chipper and light. He had hoped to cheer her up but when she turned to face him, the thought went out of the window. Her eyes were shiny with tears and her bottom lip quivered. She started to cry when he looked at her.

"Hermione what's wrong? This isn't like you…" Lupin walked across the room and put a hand on her shoulder in reassurance. Before he knew it Hermione had flung herself into his chest and was crying unashamedly. He was momentarily shocked but put one arm around her shoulders and patted her back with the other hand in comfort.

Hermione continued to sob for a minute or so and Lupin muttered "Shhh…shhh…It's alright." He pushed her gently away from him, holding the tops of her arms and lowered his head to look her in the eyes.

"Hermione, what on earth has got you into this state?" Lupin looked straight into Hermione's eyes and could not fail to see the grief and pain there. She didn't seem to be able to speak and kept shaking her head. She was starting to get hysterical.

Lupin shook her slightly and said "Hermione!" sharply.

This seemed to get through to Hermione and she looked up with tears still brimming over. She spoke, her breathing hitched and difficult.

"You reminded me…of …of Sirius. The way…in the way…" She became incoherent and finished with "…in this house."

Lupin guided Hermione over to the kitchen table and sat her down. She was still trying to talk and Lupin shhh'ed her. He bent down on one knee in front of her and waited for her to calm herself enough to finish what she was saying. Upstairs' he could hear Molly laying down the law.

Hermione seemed to calm visibly and spoke hurriedly as though to get the problem exorcised from her as quickly as possible.

"You've been acting like Sirius did, when he was here, trapped in this house." She winced slightly as Professor Lupin's face took on a pained look. He seemed to think about this for a moment.

"I suppose I have been feeling a little suffocated. It's always different when you know you can't leave at anytime. I'm not Sirius, Hermione. As much as I miss him I was never that much like him. I was the patient one; he was never a housebound person." He shrugged and smiled. "I didn't realise our behaviour was so similar but I guess it's understandable."

"I feel so silly…" Hermione said as she wiped her tears with a tissue that Professor Lupin proffered. "It…it all just hit me at once…everything. I'm sorry. Crying to you of all people." She shook her bushy head. "After what you've been through…"

"Firstly Hermione, you must know that you can speak to me at anytime. You must not worry what I'll think. You can't bottle things away the way you have been. Secondly after what I've been through, as you put it, makes me exactly the person who will understand."

Hermione nodded and wiped the rest of her tears away. She heard Molly coming down the stairs. She watched Lupin stand and he gave her a heart-warming smile.

"Don't we have some shopping to do?"

* * *

Hermione and Professor Lupin had indeed spent most of their time in bookshops stocking up on what Hermione needed for Hogwarts. Of course they had paid a visit to Gringot's first and then went on to the other shops in Diagon Alley. Hermione saw a change in Professor Lupin's behaviour. She had expected him to be a little happier and he was but there was an underlining alertness. He constantly watched and remained aware of everything that was around them. Once or twice though, when he thought that she wasn't looking, Hermione saw a flicker of sadness. She knew that he must have been remembering all the times he had been to Diagon Alley, before the start of the Hogwarts term.

Hermione had also noticed that there were less people in Diagon Alley than there had been last year. The War was obviously on people's minds, as it was on her own.

It really hadn't taken them that long to finish the list and collect everything. Hermione felt her tummy rumble loudly and she looked up, embarrassed. She could see the Professor Lupin had heard it because he was looking amused. He pointed in the direction of a small looking shop, which for all intense purposes looked like an English tearoom.

Walking through the door Hermione realised that it was nothing like a tearoom other than there were actually people drinking tea, but there the similarity ended. It was dark and subdued, except for the man behind the counter who was shouting through a hole in the wall. Hermione would have said hatch but hole was definitely a more accurate description. There were people huddled in corners whispering and almost all of them turned to look at them as they had entered, the room hushed. Hermione's mind was forced to think of the old fashioned American Westerns, when the Cowboy hero walks into the hostile Saloon.

Professor Lupin pointed her in the direction of a table and she sat down. The patrons of the 'Saloon' turned back to their whispered conversations. As much as she trusted Professor Lupin this place seemed unlike the sort of place she could have imagined him in. It certainly wasn't the cleanest place she'd ever been and the people in there…well…shady and up to no good was also a reasonable description of the customers. Professor Lupin set down a tall glass in front of her, filled with a pink liquid. There were tiny red bits floating around in it. Hermione peered at it dubiously with an eyebrow raised.

Hermione sipped the drink through the straw and she could taste fresh strawberry. Milkshake! The texture was a little lumpy but Hermione thought she could live with that. She saw that Professor Lupin was watching her with an amused smile. There was a slightly strange look in his eye. Hermione couldn't quite place it; it wasn't one she had seen on his face before. He was stirring the silvery grey powdered Illystium Argentum into his tea, as normally as if it had been sugar.

"I take it that is was the right flavour to get you?" There was a play of a smile on his lips as he spoke.

"Yes it's delicious, thank you Professor." Hermione smiled and slurped again at the milkshake. She watched as Professor Lupin sipped at his own tea. "Sir, don't we have go back as quickly as we can?" Hermione asked worried.

"Sir? Professor? Hermione, my name is Remus, I'm not your teacher anymore." His smile was more than amused. "We do have to go back shortly, however, I thought a quick stop here before we are due back would be nice. We're quite safe here…do you know why?" Lupin looked questioningly at Hermione.

"Erm…" Was all Hermione could say. She looked around at the dark types and couldn't fathom why this would be a good place to be. The door opened and another man came in. He had grey grizzled hair and one large eye protruding from his face. She knew him instantly of course, Mad eye Moody. He recognised Lupin straight away but when his eye fell to Hermione he looked surprised and walked straight over to them.

"Lupin, have you gone barmy?" Moody hissed.

"No Alastor I haven't. I rather thought that this would be a safe place to come." Lupin's eyes twinkled with some joke only known to him.

"Ah…well…I suppose…it could be." He said looking around almost glaring at the other people sitting in the room. "Humph…well I have some business to attend to. Be safe Remus…" Moody moved away from their table and went to speak to the man who was no longer shouting through the hole in the wall.

Lupin smiled and looked at Hermione, his eyes full of mirth. Hermione wished that she knew what was so amusing and why it was so safe to be there.

It was then that Hermione again thought of the unpleasant thing that had been done to him. Some awful person had tried to kill him. Kill him because he was a werewolf or a member of the order, no one knew at this point. She looked down and tried not to dwell on it.

"Hermione? You look troubled by something?" Lupin's brow had furrowed slightly and looked at her with concern. He was worried that she was dwelling on this morning.

"I was just thinking about the Lupis Dementia." Her voice was hushed. "I'm sorry to mention it, but I just find it so awful. Plotting to kill people like that is just so wrong. It disturbs me." Hermione still looked a little troubled.

Lupin looked at her in surprise. "Hermione, I don't think those people were trying to kill me."

It was Hermione's turn to look surprised now. "What? …What do you mean?"

"Oh I'm not saying my death wouldn't have been a nice side product of what was happening, but that wasn't the ultimate goal of the mission." He paused, looking thoughtful. "No they were trying to at the least kill Dumbledore or Harry, via me of course. I would most likely have died if that had occurred." Lupin didn't add the next thought that entered his head_," I would have rather died, than lived, knowing I'd killed one of them." _He just blinked and looked into Hermione's surprised eyes. "They seemed to want to shake things up. They managed to do that at least I think and very nearly succeeded in the rest."

Hermione quietly nodded and realised that once again she had been naïve. What else should she have expected in war? It surprised her that Professor Lupin was so calm and matter-a-fact about it. Hermione didn't think that she would have been in the same position.

"Did you ever work out how it was administered?" Hermione asked, her curiosity taking over her sense of manners.

Lupin looked at her for a moment, almost sizing her up. His expression clouded. He muttered something under his breath and Hermione caught the word "Clever."

"No, we haven't figured that part yet. It's extremely difficult to pin point when. There are a couple of leads but they'll take time to get to the end of." Lupin stood and pushed his chair under. He suddenly seemed distracted and started to glance out of the window. "We'd better get back or we'll be late."

Hermione got the very distinct impression that he had wanted to change the subject. She noisily slurped up the rest of her drink and tucked her chair under the table also. They both waved goodbye to Moody who was deep in conversation with two witches. He nodded back to them as they left. His eyes didn't leave them as they left, Hermione noticed.

Once outside, they found a quiet place and Portkeyed back to Grimmauld place. It had been decided that a few rules needed to broken here and there, to ensure the safety of everyone. Almost everyone now had a portkey back to Grimmauld place.

* * *

In the darkness of an unseen alley, a thin hooded figure with a pale gaunt face watched as Lupin and Hermione left. The hood obscured most of the face but could not conceal the maniacal grin. Pallid thin hands rubbed themselves together and a whispered voice floated out.

"Vonderful."

* * *

**A/N: **Apologies again to everyone for the wait of the update. I just want to thank everyone for his or her wonderful reviews. They really do keep me writing…. I mean that. 


	6. For Others Sin

_Your Joy is your sorrow unmasked._

_When you are Joyous, look deep into your heart;_

_You shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy._

_When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,_

_And you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. _

**_The Prophet_ – Kahlil Gibran**

* * *

**For Others Sin**

Hermione and Professor Lupin arrived back at Grimmauld place, safe and sound. Tonks and Harry were all ready waiting, shopping list in hand. Tonks's hair was a subdued brown and Hermione had to look twice to make sure it really was her. Tonks just smiled sheepishly. It was obvious that she was trying to blend in and not stand out.

Harry smiled at Hermione but said nothing. He didn't look at Professor Lupin at all.

Hermione frowned. She knew then that there was more to Harry's sullenness than met the eye. Sure, she knew that he was grieving, but why was he ignoring the one person who feels the same pain he does? In Hermione's mind it just didn't make any sense and she resolved to speak to him about it when he returned from Diagon Alley.

"Everything alright Remus?" Tonks asked.

"Yes, everything's fine. We didn't encounter any problems and I didn't see anything odd or out of place. All is fine, you can go and collect Harry's things," Lupin smiled warmly at Harry, who was looking at the floor, "everything alright Harry?"

Harry looked up briefly and met Lupin's eye for a split second. For a moment, just a moment, Lupin saw a flash of emotion.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Harry looked at the floor again.

"C'mon Harry, we best be going. Get a finger tip on this…" Tonks held out what looked like a lint laden sherbet lemon, it was hard to tell. Harry put his finger on it and they disappeared together.

Lupin stood there, looking at the space that Harry had just occupied. Where had that emotion come from? Something stirred dangerously in the pit of his stomach and he pushed it away. This wasn't the time or place to be thinking of that…

Hermione's eyebrows were raised in annoyance. Why was Harry behaving so oddly to Professor Lupin? She shook her head not really knowing what to think. She looked at Professor Lupin and she saw caught a fleeting insight, as his face was clearly etched in confusion. Not an emotion that she usually attributed to him. And as quickly as it was there, it disappeared and he faced her, confusion gone.

"Well I don't know about you Hermione, but I have some things I need to do. I have a feeling your going to spend the rest of the day curled up on the sitting room sofa, reading," his eyes fell to the bag of books she was holding. There was a hint of wryness on his face.

Hermione smiled at him shyly, not feeling embarrassed, at the fun being poked at her bookishness. From him it was more of a compliment. She left the cellar and went into the sitting room.

Remus stood there for a while longer, running a hand through his grey speckled hair. The silence suffocated him. The feeling he had felt a few seconds ago churned within him again, making feel nauseous. He recognised that feeling, he had felt it many times… it was guilt. He knew in his head that feeling guilty about Harry was stupid, but his heart said otherwise. He did feel as though he were letting Harry down at the moment, there was obviously something wrong and Harry certainly seemed to think that Lupin was the cause of it. Lupin sighed, and made his way up the steps back into the house.

8888888

Harry and Tonks appeared in the prearranged designated area. It wasn't the same one that Hermione and Lupin had used. It seemed to be in a disused room of a shop in Diagon Alley, well at least that's what Harry was assuming anyway.

It was dusty with disuse and neglect. There were boxes stacked all over, in perilous Columns, which swayed in Tonks's wake as she moved past them. She seemed to have forgotten that Harry was there as she went straight to the door and peeked out. She was alert and looked through the door, as a hawk would sight it's prey. This was a side to Tonks that Harry hadn't seen before. She was always so fun loving, clumsy and a little daft, seeing her this serious almost wasn't right. He was starting to understand why she was an Auror.

Harry watched her in awe as she changed her facial features. She looked bland and unremarkable, so… so unlike Tonks. She looked over and grinned at the look on Harry's face.

"C'mon Harry! Don't dawdle, we've got shopping to do." Despite the appearance change, the fun loving grin was just the same. Harry couldn't help but smile. He followed Tonks out of the door and through the shop. In no time at all he wasn't thinking about anything other than the shopping list he had in his hands.

8888888

The thin hooded figure with a pale gaunt face watched as Tonks and Harry weaved through the crowd into yet another shop. In the light of day, the face could be made out clearly. Deathly white, as though the sun had not touched it for many years, hollowed cheeks and dark bags that hung beneath the even darker eyes. It could have been a beautiful face once, but a cruel malevolent grin twisted the face, like a knife in the gut.

The figure slouched back into the shadow of the drear alley that she stood by and pulled down the hood of the robe. The stranger took out a flask and gulped a couple of mouthfuls, wincing only slightly as it was swallowed. Spiteful eyes watched patiently as Harry left the last shop he was in with Tonks. He had another bag in his hands.

Bellatrix stepped out of the shadow, ten foot away from Harry. He failed to notice her at first but Tonks did.

"Harry…" Tonks called, wand out from nowhere, she was but a few paces behind Harry and tried to grab him, but before she could touch him, Harry saw Bellatrix.

Harry moved quicker than Tonks would have ever believed. He simultaneously ran towards Bellatrix and dropped his bags. Harry pulled out his wand and aimed at Bellatrix. People started to notice what was happening and although they didn't understand what was happening, they started screaming. Harry moved through the crowd like a hot knife to butter, people did not want to get in his way.

Tonks was still trying to catch up to Harry, jumping over the bags that he dropped but he was just moving too fast. "Harry… HARRY…wait." She called after him, but she could see that he was blind and deaf to anything other than Bellatrix, "Harry don't be a fool!"

Harry stopped, a rush of emotions flitted over his face, settling on an ice-cold glare at Bellatrix's retreating back.

"Harry…Take this." Tonks shoved the furry Lemon Sherbet in Harry's hand, not letting go herself, and he felt the familiar tug behind his navel.

8888888

In the cellar of Grimmauld Place Harry had barely a moment to breathe. Tonks took a few steps up the stairs and started yelling… 

"Remus! REMUS…"

Harry heard a thudding from upstairs as though someone were running. Which they were of course.

"Harry? Can you hear me?" Tonks was shaking him; looking over all of him in case he was hurt.

Harry nodded, "I'm fine."

Lupin ran into the cellar, wand drawn, brow furrowed.

"Remus, there are Death Eaters in Diagon Alley, we saw Bellatrix. I have to go back. I've got to make sure she's are gone." Tonks stepped away from Harry and Lupin.

A Look passed between Lupin and Tonks, one that expressed a million things like, be on your guard, protect the children and don't get killed. Mostly it conveyed 'Get Dumbledore'.

"Be careful…" Remus said, and Tonks just nodded in response and apparated out.

Lupin turned his attention back to Harry, his eyes checking for injury. His face was sharp and on guard.

"Harry, I need to contact Dumbledore. Will you wait in the kitchen for me?" Lupin spoke quietly, though there was an edge to his voice that made the question he asked, a non-voluntary option.

Harry nodded a little and a warm hand took him by the arm. It was Molly. On the other side of him stood Hermione and Ron, who looked for all intense purposes like a fish. He kept opening and closing his mouth, as though his brain was trying to engage in some vocal function but failing. They led him upstairs.

8888888

Upstairs in the kitchen Molly and Hermione made a sweet tea for Harry, her Mum didn't like sugar much but a sweet tea in an emergency was a remedy for shock, according to Mrs Weasley. She thought Harry might be in shock because he was so pale and quiet. Hermione wasn't so sure it was shock, Harry looked a tiny bit annoyed too.

Hermione took the tea into the sitting room where Harry and Ron were. It wasn't long before Professor Lupin strolled in and was sitting in front of Harry. Molly stood next to Harry, her face full of maternal concern.

"Harry, can you tell me what happened?" Lupin asked quietly.

"Bellatrix… she was there… waiting for me." Harry's voice was quiet and calm, it was unnaturally so. "I saw her… and… I ran after her." Harry looked to Lupin's face, which was passive and revealed nothing of how he reacted to this news.

"You went after her?" Lupin's voice was quiet but there was a waver to it.

"Yes," Harry looked for the disapproval, and found none, though Hermione had sucked in her breath sharply and Ron was shaking his head. "She seemed to know that I would. I started to follow her but something Tonks said made me stop, she said 'don't be a fool', and I knew I was doing what I've always done; I was rushing in without thinking, Bellatrix was provoking me. If Tonks hadn't have been with me…I'd have followed her and probably be dead." Harry hung his head, ashamed of what he'd done. He had risked his life and unwittingly risked Tonks's too, not to mention the innocent people around him. He felt like a complete fool.

"What on earth were you thinking Harry… running off like that." Hermione harped unthinkingly.

"Well I wasn't was I…. If I'd been thinking I wouldn't have run after her." Harry snapped. He looked annoyed at what Hermione had said, which was restating the obvious.

"Harry, I want you to promise me that you will never do anything like that again." Molly said earnestly. "I know that if you promise me, you'll keep that promise."

"I'm not a child." Harry said a little sullenly, more annoyed with his own actions because he had acted like a child.

"I know, I know but I'd like to hear you say it." Molly now looked a little concerned.

"What, like you keep all your promises? Say it but not actually mean it." Harry spat, looking at Lupin and delving into the well of emotion that was rising within him.

"What? Harry, where has this come from? I've never lied to you." Lupin looked confused.

"If you can lie to Dumbledore's face then you can lie to anyone. Your as bad as the rest of them, with your secrets and lies." Harrys voice was calm but there was resentment on his face.

Lupin looked ashamed, as though Harry had pointed out a major flaw, which he had.

"Harry, I have always been honest with you. Back when I was young and stupid, things didn't seem to matter as much, they matter now, and you matter to me. I don't know where this anger has come from but lets calm down." Lupin looked into Harry's eyes and saw that an eruption was immanent. "Harry, I don't know why you feel this way, but we can talk through it."

"Harry, Merlin knows I am fond of you, but you cant speak to Remus like that," Molly spoke, she seemed shocked at the out burst, and pulled her cardigan around her tightly, as though it were a shield to Harry's verbal attack.

"No, it's ok Molly. Let Harry say what he needs to say," Remus looked at Harry as he spoke, he realised that this - whatever it was – was the thing Harry had been stewing over for the last week or so.

Harry took Remus up on the offer, saying exactly what he thought, "No one ever thinks its necessary that I know the truth of things. Why must I be in the dark on everything? If I had been kept informed of what was going on I would have never gone to the Ministry. Sirius wouldn't have come after me and he'd still be here. He'd still be here…with me."

"Harry…" Lupin started reasonably, realising where this was going. The guilt within him stirred once again.

"Why didn't you help him? He was your friend and you let him…_die_…" Harry's voice started to break on the word die but he lifted his chin up defiantly.

Lupin moved forward and put a hand out to comfort him but Harry pushed it away. Lupin stepped back like he was burned, his face etched with hurt.

Harrys voice was low and quiet, "You stopped me saving him, and I could have gotten to him, you…" Harrys voice wavered a little and he took a moment to say what he needed to say, "you let him die."

Lupin's face contorted with emotions the others had never seen on his face before but the raw pain was there, forefront of it all.

"Harry that's enough!" Molly said sharply.

Ron stepped forward and said, "Harry…mate… It's no ones fault, at least not anyone in this room." Ron's concern for his friend was clear, he was shaking his head, he didn't agree with what Harry was saying.

Hermione didn't say anything, but inside she felt a hollow sadness at seeing one of her best friends torn apart by grief.

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a moment. Then a voice spoke, calm, soothing and quietly commanding. Everyone turned and looked. Dumbledore had entered quietly; no one knew how long he had been there, listening.

"Remus…" Although he said Remus his eyes rested upon Harry, his expression was grave however, "You'll be glad to hear that the Death Eater was caught, but we do not believe it was Bellatrix, other Death Eaters were also seen, all having the appearance of Bellatrix Lestrange." Dumbledore paused before continuing allowing the news to sink in, "Tonks managed to stun and capture the one that you saw Harry, we will have to wait and see who it really is, the others escaped," Dumbledore paused again but this time something flickered across his face, brief and indefinable, "Tonks is missing, which could mean nothing more than she gave chase but it's unlike her to disappear like that."

"Is there anything I can do Albus?" Remus's voice was wavering a little.

"No, I have left it in Kingsleys hands, he is organising a search. They have indicated that they are going to keep quiet about the Deatheaters capture until they are sure who it really is," sitting down on the settee Dumbledore looked to Harry again, " Do you think you could tell me what happened Harry. I know you have already been through it once, but I would like to hear the events first hand."

When Harry nodded in understanding Dumbledore glanced at Remus, and some message was transferred because Lupin walked to the door of the sitting room and said, "Ron, Hermione, do you think I can request your tea making services?"

"Sure Professor, we'd love to help," Hermione said, catching on immediately she grabbed Ron and started pushing him to the door, he looked confused. Molly left wordlessly, following Ron.

Left alone in the sitting room, Harry and Dumbledore sat in silence for a moment.

"Did you hear everything I said to Remus?" Asked Harry, guilt suddenly swirling his insides.

"Most of it m'boy," said Dumbledore non-commitally, he gave the impression of a man who can wait patiently for eternity.

Harry nodded to himself and started to repeat what he had told the others.

8888888

Hermione sat at the Kitchen table sipping tea quietly. She heard a quiet click from the front door; Professor Lupin had left. She really didn't know why Harry was so upset with Lupin, but it was starting to affect him. She hoped for Harrys sake that he would get it sorted soon because as Sirius had proven, you never know how long you have.

8888888

Harry sat and looked at the wizened old face in front of him." I've lost everything. I'll never have a proper home or a proper family." Harry said quietly. "To have it all nearly and then to see him die like that. So pointless, so meaningless, it's unbearable."

"Harry, do you believe that you are the only one that hurts? The only one to feel the pain so deeply inside?" Dumbledore said evenly.

Harry looked up sharply. "Of course not, but no one else can imagine how this feels…. it…it all hurts so much." His voice was hoarse from all the shouting.

"I know it does Harry, but there are others that hurt too. Others that have felt the very same losses you have and perhaps a little more." Dumbledore's voice took on a slightly firmer tone.

"What do you mean?" Harry said looking up.

"We all grieved the loss of Sirius Black sixteen years ago, when we thought, wrongly, that he had betrayed us. We now grieve it again for the second time, for some of us that has been a very difficult thing to deal with. You say you have lost everything yet you regain so much. Look in your heart Harry, and I think that you will find the truth there. You will find what you need to know. " Dumbledore's sage tones halted and he patted Harry briefly on the shoulder and left the room.

8888888

Remus stood outside and breathed in deeply; the night air was fresh. He felt the need to expand the tightness in his chest, to release the contortion of emotions binding his lungs. He rested his hand on the moss topped red brick wall in the garden, putting most of his weight on it, and the other hovered at his heart. He hung his head down and wondered if, at last, the tears would come.

* * *

**A/N** After being cajoled, persuaded, bribed, ordered and finally threatened with the Unforgivables, I give you chapter six. I hope you liked it. And I apologise for the waiting you have had to do.

Also I have made a few assumptions, I assume you know all about Polyjuice, it having been used at least twice in the books. I also assume an awful lot about Tonk's morphing abilities.

The quote _The Prophet – by Kahlil Gibran , _is a life-changing read I'd highly suggest, which is freely available to look up on the net.


	7. Make me Forget

_And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.  
Much of your pain is self-chosen.  
It is the bitter poison by which the physician within you heals your sick self. _

**The Prophet – Kahlil Gibran**

**Make Me Forget**

Remus Lupin entered Grimmauld Place; it was dark, quiet, and almost deserted. He might have worried, had it not been for the covered plate of biscuits - baked this afternoon – placed carefully on the kitchen table, next to a drying sandwich. Molly never rested, even when she was asleep.

Lupin looked at these offerings, and considered eating them - no, tea was what he wanted now - well he'd actually prefer something a bit stronger, but after Hermione had found him in Beaky's room, alone, he'd steered clear of the hard stuff. Not a good example to set - coping with ones grief, through inebriation - besides, he needed a clear head for tomorrow. Moody had practically threatened Lupin with the Unforgivables, if he didn't return to Grimmauld Place, but he hadn't wanted to stop the search for Tonks. Harry was more than well protected with Dumbledore and the others, making his confinement even more frustrating.

If he were honest with himself, Remus felt that Harry's words had been justified, and quite piercingly truthful, more truthful than he cared to admit, which was why he chose to distance himself from Harry, for the time being.

He sipped the tea; it left a bitter taste in his mouth. He stirred in sugar, and looked into the cup. Was there anything tea couldn't do? It was a mood enhancer, a shock reliever, a pick-me-up, a perspective giver, a quencher of thirst, and best of all, it didn't judge.

He rested his head on to his arms, and tried to clear his thoughts. He succeeded, for he slipped into sleep - his sandwich and tea, left unrequited to listen to the sound of slow snoring.

* * *

It was early enough for first light to still be slumbering. Harry's sleep had been restless, and he was staring at the shadowy ceiling. He made pictures with the shadows in his head, as one would with clouds on a cloudy day. The images turned over in his sight, as the events of the day turned over in his mind. He regretted the things he had said to Remus, but in his heart, he knew that he had to say them. Frustration fluttered in his chest, stirring, as he relived each event. Things weren't as resolved as he would have liked, Remus never fought back, he just took the barrage on the chin -_ just like everything_ – Harry could not help thinking; Lupin had become indifferent.

Finally deciding that thirst for water was only second to his need to relieve himself, he threw back the bed linen, and made his way out of the bedroom, across the landing. When he left the bathroom, a few moments later, he headed down the stairs toward the kitchen. He gave a start, as he saw a thin shaft of light, cascading out from underneath the closed door. Realising that he didn't have his wand, Harry felt oddly naked, and played with the idea of going back up to get it. If the last year - and last few days - had taught him anything, it was the value of waiting - and thinking - before rushing into a situation, easier thought than done though.

Harry waited, and deliberated for a moment, keeping quiet and still. All he could think was, _it could be Tonks, _he reasoned that Voldemort would not be sitting in the kitchen drinking tea. Moody's voice echoed in his head, _"Constant vigilance!" _His eyes searched the gloom, and they latched onto a vase – he picked it up, weighed it in his hands, and felt it was bulky enough for a serious concussion.

Harry took in a deep breath then, deftly as he could, He pushed door. The muscles in his face involuntarily contorted when his ears were assaulted, by what seemed to be the last breath, of a dying violin. Harry froze, and listened to the silence. He picked out the resonance of slow cadent breathing - someone dozing. He pushed the door open further, and popped his head around it. On seeing Remus sleeping out of his bed, Harry felt a rush of guilt flood through him. He put the vase back on the table in the hall.

He entered the room softly, and then went to make sure Remus was ok. He watched the rise and fall of his chest. Harry thought it would be wrong to wake him, so he didn't. He took a blanket from the pile of neatly folded washing near the table, and draped it over Remus, he didn't stir, but carried on breathing in much the same manner, as he had before. As an after thought Harry felt it may of been better to wake him; if Molly found him like that, she would be in a serious mothering mood tomorrow, and Remus would get no peace. He smiled at the thought of teasing him, but left Remus to his dreams.

Harry turned quietly, and removed a glass from the cupboard, he was _thankful_ the cupboard was quiet. He poured some water into his glass, and realised he couldn't hear Lupins sluggish drone. He felt the hairs on his neck prick; instinctively he knew something was wrong, extremely wrong, though his stomach churned in trepidation, he forced himself to turn.

All the saliva dried in Harrys mouth, when he saw that Lupin had been standing right behind him, his eyes weren't human, they were ochre and feral. Lupin smiled, which combined with his wild gaze, nearly made Harry scream.

"Harry?" Lupins voice sounded rough, urgent, and concerned at Harry's reaction to him, his brow was furrowed in confusion.

"Your eyes…" Harry whispered - unable to say more than that - and stare at Remus.

Lupin's hand moved involuntarily to his face, he then sidestepped, and opened the curtains, to look at his face in the murky reflection of the window. The sharp intake of breath told Harry that Lupin remained, and still governed the wolf. Lupin's right hand went straight to his pocket, and he pulled out a silver tube, that Harry had seen Lupin use previously whenever he drank. He took the water Harry had put down on the side, and shook a generous amount into it. He swirled it around, tipping back his head, and finished it in a single draught. He shuddered a little, and made a disgusted face. He rested both of his hands down the sink edge, and lowered his head as if in defeat.

He moved over to the cellar, and when he saw Harry had not followed him, Lupin nodded to himself, withdrew his wand, and held it out to Harry. Harry knew Lupin wanted him to do, stepped forward, and took the wand. He kept it directed at Remus, who then turned and went into the cellar.

"Lock the door tight, Harry, just in case," Lupin's voice sounded resigned, but firm, and he shut the door behind him.

Harry stood for a moment looking at Lupin's wand in his hands, and frowned. The pit of guilt in his stomach turned over again, he quickly stepped forward to the cellar door, and opened it. The musty cellar smell wafted up from the wake of the opening door.

"Remus?" Harry called, in a hushed voice. He fought the urge to say, _' are you all right?' _knowing it would sound ridiculous to his own ears, as it was quite apparent that he wasn't.

"Go back upstairs, Harry, it's not safe for you here, just let Molly know I'm down here," Lupin stated. "Make sure you lock that door tight, and if you can, seal it with a shielding spell," Lupin sighed, and Harry could hear him tying something.

Harry took a couple of steps down the stairs, which creaked resentfully. Harry squinted in the non-existent light, and wondered how on earth Remus could see in this darkness. His mind automatically made the connection to the wolfish eyes Remus now had, and tried not to shudder, after meeting the werewolf first hand; Harry knew it wasn't something to be treated lightly.

"Harry, please… go back upstairs, and secure this room. It's not safe for you to be down here at all," Lupin tried to sound stern, but was too exhausted.

"I just wanted to ask you something - tell you something…" Harry started.

"Harry, if this about the other day, don't worry about it, we can talk tomorrow if you still want to, but for now, I need to know that the door is shut, and bolted. " Lupin's exasperated voice hung in the air between them, and Harry knew he was being rebuffed, but he didn't want to let it go because he knew he wouldn't be able to talk tomorrow.

Somehow, the dark and the distance between them, made it ok for the question to be asked, somehow Harry forgot propriety, and in desperation his mouth opened - the words out - before his brain engaged in sensibility.

"How did you live without them?"

A silence roared out from the dark, it hung in the air as a tangible substance, one that pushed and divided the gloom. As the moments passed, Harry became more aware of the fact that he may have pushed beyond what was reasonable. He was regretting his rashness, his stupid mouth, and wondering if he should just leave - unable to say anything further. He stood, his feet making scuffling sounds on the steps. He put his hand out to the door handle, and grasped it.

"I'll speak to you tomorrow then…" he couldn't quite manage, _"I'm sorry,"_ or _" Ignore me I'm a prat."_ He pulled open the door, and wondered how he'd look Remus in the eye tomorrow.

He heard Lupin's subdued voice drift up, through the quiet, "I didn't, Harry."

Harry paused, deciding whether he should comment - say something - and searched his brain from something penitent, but before he could, Lupin spoke again.

"Go to bed, Harry… the door, don't forget to lock it."

Harry closed the door, and locked it.

* * *

The tumult of silence failed to quiet the roar of thoughts, which squalled into eddies of guilt and blame. He shut his eyes, but the images were relentless, he knew that the fetid thoughts would not leave him tonight, and for once; he wished he wasn't alone with them. For he was starting to think that the self-isolation he enforced, was a particularly unintelligent thing to be imposing on oneself.

He'd been foolish tonight, he had left the house and been stupid enough to drink with other people. They were people he trusted, Aurors of the Ministry to boot, but he hadn't paid any attention to what he had been doing. He had been wrapped up in looking for Tonks, dwelling on all the things Harry said to him, and on the things, he wished he had said back. When had he become so careless? There had been a time where he would have never made those sorts of stupid mistakes – well unless one counts not remembering to take his Wolfsbane potion, and nearly killing those he cared about - he thought bitterly.

A dark tainted thought tugged at the back of his mind, he didn't want to confront it, but it was there, pushing at him, letting him know that a repetition of history might be occurring. He allowed his mind to form the word… traitor. Someone he knew, and possibly cared about was betraying them, to Voldemort. The possibility had been discussed when he had first fallen to the Lupis Dementia, though he hadn't realised it had been a possibility before then as well, his condition had just confirmed it. But who? Hermione had brushed the surface of that theory the other day, but had failed to make the connection. He was secretly impressed with her powers of deduction though; she would go far with that intellect of hers.

The possibility occurred to him that the traitor could be under the imperious curse, but as time drew on, it was looking less likely. Prolonged use of the curse usually showed after a while, the longer one is under the curse, the more likely it was that you could start to break it. No, it seemed as though they had a fully-fledged traitor, someone who had decided Voldemort was the winning formula.

Remus pushed the thoughts away again. Laying in the dark and dreaming up plots of betrayal wasn't really his style, but it something he couldn't help thinking of. He looked at the ceiling, shut his eyes, and decided to wait for dawn.

* * *

Hermione woke with a start; the bad dream that she had been having, finishing suddenly. She tried to remember snippets of the dream, as she pushed her night-tangled mane from her eyes. The dream had been a dark, a vision of the future? Maybe a vision of the oncoming war, and all that she feared. Dead faces appeared to her, those who she loved and cared for.

She looked over at Ginny's bed, where a mop of red hair poked out from beneath the duvet. Hermione took a moment and enviously watched Ginny's peaceful slumber. She couldn't wake her, it just didn't feel right, and so she left her where she lay. Hermione then dressed for breakfast, in what would be their last full day at Grimmauld Place.

She found Molly in the kitchen, with Arthur and Remus. Of course the boys weren't up yet, that was to be expected, they wouldn't rise until Molly went up there and 'persuaded' them to leave their beds. Hermione was just glad that she never had to be 'persuaded.'

Hermione realised that Arthur might have some news about Tonks; a quick look a Molly's face suggested that, at least, there had been no bad news.

She sat down at the table, and said, "Morning," to both men. She got a tired smile from Remus, and a nod from Mr Weasley, who had his mouth full of toast. Hermione poured a cup of tea from the pot, and asked, "Has there been any news yet?"

Lupin looked up and shook his head, "We've heard nothing yet. I'm sure when they know something, we'll be told soon enough," his eyes looked to Arthur - who was just swallowing his toast – for conformation.

"Oh yes, absolutely," he said with a cheerfulness, that Hermione knew was for her benefit. "Tonks is well trained, she'll turn up soon enough. She's probably just keeping a low profile."

"Why would she do that, Mr Weasley? I would've thought that she would have returned back to find out if everything was all right, " Hermione enquired. She wasn't happy with Arthur's answer, that didn't make any sense to her at all. Tonks wouldn't keep people wondering like that, not unless there were reasons for it.

Arthur seemed to realise that he had been talking down to Hermione a bit, because his gaze sharpened and focused on her for a moment, as if assessing her. "Perhaps she gave pursuit and is injured, she may have been discovered but we wont know for sure until we find her," Arthur lent forward slightly, and this time when he smiled, it reached his eyes. " I really wouldn't worry though, she's a tough old bird is Tonks, you'd be surprised at what she can do."

Hermione nodded, feeling a little more secure at the conviction in Mr Weasleys eyes.

"Anyway, I must be off to work," Arthur said rising from the table, drinking the last of his tea, and grabbing his cloak. He put the cup down, and bent slightly to kiss Molly, who had just entered the room. She blushed, and kissed him back, her eyes sending secret messages, that only years of familiarity and love would decipher. He smiled as he waved goodbye to Hermione and Remus, then left.

Hermione heard Molly mutter, "Silly Man," and stare for a moment, at the door Arthur had exited through. She couldn't help but smile at Molly, for all her fierceness, she loved just as passionately for all those she cared about. She watched, as Molly fussed about the used plates on the table and cleared them, as if they were reminders of the absent user just departed.

She turned from Molly's loud tidying to Professor Lupin's quiet reverie. Hermione noted that Remus looked extremely tired, more so than he had before, and he always looked tired. She inclined her head hoping to catch his eye; it wouldn't do to startle him out of his thoughts, not when he seemed so drained.

His eyes turned to hers, and seemed to take a moment to realise that she was looking at him directly. She smiled and said, "Tough night?" she knew that the row with Harry must be on his mind, as well as Tonks' disappearance.

"Yes, you could say that. I had a slight relapse last night, and spent the night in the not-so-comfortable cellar, with all its familiar musty homeliness," his face showed his amusement through the tired mask, it was like seeing sunshine peek from behind a cloud.

Hermione pulled a sympathetic face; she knew how awful it was for him to be down there, she'd heard his pain. "Was it very bad? I didn't hear anything last night," she asked, hoping that he wouldn't feel embarrassed speaking to her about it - well he hadn't before.

"It wasn't as bad as last time, in fact I remember it all, hard bed and dusty. I think even the spiders were glad to see the back of me this morning, and Arthur let me out of the cellar this morning, thankfully," Lupin sipped his tea, and then looked conspiratorially at Hermione, his eyes gleaming despite the tired lines. "I even managed to make Molly breakfast this morning. Though she hasn't forgiven me yet, I've had about ten pots of guilt tea from her since then," he exaggerated.

Hermione snorted at his words, and put her hand across her mouth, to stop herself from making anymore silly noises, she shook with silent laughter. It was at this point that Molly came over, and laid a hand on the cooling pot.

"That's cold now, I'll get you a fresh one, Remus," she lifted the pot away, not seeing Lupin lift one conspiring eyebrow at Hermione, who still had her hand across her mouth, as if to say _'you see.' _

Lupin smiled, seeing her laugh like that made it worth getting up, it was rejuvenating, and a change from the complicated thoughts and dreams of the night before. It seemed to lift the weariness from him, as though it had been a shroud covering him. He listened, as she started to question him about the sorts of things she would have to expect, from her first year of NEWTS. Her enthusiasm was catching, and soon he had lost himself in a whirl of DADA, potions, and Arithmancy.

* * *

Harry had awoken to the sight of Ron, thumping him with a pillow. It was surprising how much a pillow could hurt, when you didn't see it coming.

"Come on, Harry, wake up!" Ron seemed to be bouncing around the room, with an unnatural amount of vigour for the morning.

Ron threw open the curtains, and light-blinded Harry temporarily, Harry groaned and turned over, pulling his own pillow over his head. He new it was a futile gesture really, but he'd hope sight would return, and all would be clear again. He felt the pillow being removed, and he rolled over.

"All right, I give up," he held his hands in the air. "What's happened to make you so happy?"

"We're going back to Hogwarts tomorrow."

"That's what's making you jump around the bedroom and hit me with pillows?" Harry asked in disbelief.

"Oh no, it's not that, our OWL results are here. Your letter is downstairs."

"Wait… what time is it?" Harry asked confused.

"It's the afternoon… come on! Harry, get dressed!"

"Why are we getting them now, aren't they late?" the just woken fog of sleep still hadn't quite left him, he still wasn't quite getting what was going on, and why had they let him sleep in like that? He pulled on his trousers and jumper, and headed after Ron down the stairs – his questions disappearing with the murk of sleep.

In the kitchen, Hermione was sitting looking at her unopened letter nervously, as though it might bite her. Ron was tearing into his, with Molly watching nervously. Lupin was calmly watching the whole scene, smiling slightly, as though he were remembering opening his OWL letter.

Harrys thoughts clouded, as he remembered the night before, he looked to Lupin - who regarded him warmly – as though nothing had transpired.

"Well, Harry?" Lupin said, "Aren't you dying to know how you did?"

Harry grinned, and tore open his own letter. Not too bad, he thought, as his eyes scanned the page. His heart turned a bit when he saw that he hadn't achieved outstanding in potions, which was the NEWT out then, no future Auror job. Overall, they'd done really well between the three of them, Hermione's results being the best, of course. They then spent the next hour planning their future careers.

* * *

Lupin gave Harry some time to revel in his achievements before he entered the living room - where the four of them had made camp - and were discussing the pros and cons of drowning Draco in the prefect's bathroom. He could hear Hermiones scandalised voice, telling them that they were being obtuse, and Ginny's giggling. Remus smiled to himself as he walked in, some things didn't change with time. He looked to Harry, who smiled but looked wary; he knew what Remus was going to talk about.

Lupin smiled at Ron, Ginny, Hermione, and then looked to Harry, who had already started to get to his feet, "Harry, do you think I could have a moment with you?" he said gently.

Harry nodded, "Yeah, of course," and followed Remus out of the room, leaving the others to guess what Lupin wanted.

They sat together in the kitchen, on opposite sides of the table, and looked at each other. Harry sat cross-armed, hunched forward, and defensive. Lupin sat back in his own chair, one arm lay in his lap, and the other rested softly on the table.

"I wanted to answer your question for you, the one you asked me last night… that is if you still want to hear the answer?" Lupin asked uncertainly.

Harry seemed to hesitate only briefly before saying, " I wasn't thinking last night… I was a little unnerved by what happened. I didn't mean to upset you the way I did, you certainly don't have to explain anything to me, Remus." Harry looked at his hands while he spoke, seemingly unable to look Remus in the eye.

Lupin regarded Harry carefully, he knew what a firecracker Harry could be sometimes, and he wanted to give Harry all the chances he needed to ask the questions he so obviously wanted to. It was only fair really, considering the only time Harry had approached him he had turned him away. Secretly inside, Lupin dreaded the questions Harry might ask. He knew that he was laying himself open, and dredging up all the old emotion was not his idea of a fun time. He summoned a pot of tea, and looked at it, suddenly aware that the apex of his summer had been at this kitchen table, drinking tea. How tragic was that?

"Harry, what I said last night was foolish, but in a way… it was true," Remus paused, gauging the response, which was minimal, and Harry was staring into the teacup he had acquired. "I didn't live properly for a long time afterward, I really didn't know how to, you see I had lost all my friends, two dead, one worse than dead and it really… really…" Lupin struggled, and shrugged slightly when Harry looked up, "It made me reassess what I knew life to be, because it hadn't been what I thought, what I thought it had been had gone, replaced by this new and bright future, because Voldemort was dead. The wizarding world rejoiced - while some of us were left to deal with the aftermath, and cost of that victory."

Remus looked to the ceiling, gathering strength for the questions he knew would follow, he would do his best - say his best - and hope that Harry would understand.

Harry spoke whilst Lupin was in mid thought, his voice was quiet, but there was a cold edge to it, anger. "Why did you stop me? I could have got to him in time."

The pain that had crossed Lupin's face the last time Harry asked the question; did so again.

"Your angry at me - I can see that - but you really do have it all wrong, Harry," Lupin said placatingly. "I know you blame me for Sirius' death, even think it accidental of me, but if I'd let you go… you'd have died too."

"You could have grabbed him… you could have done something…" Harry argued, aggravated by Lupin's lack of explanation.

"And what would you have had me do, Harry, to change the course of events?" Lupin asked. "To let you die as well as Sirius - would have achieved nothing."

"But how do you know what's through there? How do you know that going through the veil is certain death?" Harry insisted heatedly.

"I don't," Lupin said simply. "What I did see was the curse that hit him, Harry, and only you have ever survived that particular Unforgivable," the words caused Remus pain but he continued, "he was dead before he hit the veil."

"What?" said Harry confused, his face screwing up slightly.

"He was dead, but more than that, the veil is a one way thing, and there is no coming back from what's beyond there."

"Why? What is it?" Harry asked, becoming increasingly irritated with the lack of information in the answers he was getting.

"I believe it's a bridge, a crossing of sorts, an interconnection. If you listen to it, you can hear the echoes of things past, anyone who has been through it, has never returned. Not a place I could allow you to go to, Harry," there was hollowness to Remus' eyes as he spoke, as though something were echoing for him.

"But why can't he come back?" Harry pushed.

"Because he is dead, Harry," Lupin said patiently.

"Don't give me that look."

"What look?" said Remus, confused.

"That one. The one where you think I don't understand," said Harry sharply.

Lupin looked at Harry, silently exasperated. "Harry… I know you understand, but things aren't always black and white - nothing is simple."

"Things are only complicated when you don't know all the facts, I'm sick of not knowing what is happening, or what is to come. Why does everyone think I won't understand?" Harry raised his voice hotly.

Remus watched Harry in his anger, and tried to think of an answer.

"That's the exact look," Harry stated waspishly, throwing himself back in his chair. "That's what everyone looks like when they are trying to find another excuse for why I must be in the dark," Harry shook his head, working himself up further. "Why didn't you mention the curse killing Sirius before, I mean, didn't you think it was important enough to mention to me?"

"In all honesty, Harry, I thought you'd seen what I had seen, I didn't realise until yesterday that you hadn't. I didn't get the chance until now, to set the facts straight," Remus lent forward slightly on the table, looking directly into Harry face. " I'm here now, Harry, answering your questions. I've never lied to you, you can ask me whatever you like, and I will always tell you the truth. Always."

Harry regarded Lupin closely and seemed to take a moment to form his words carefully. He calmed visibly, and breathed slower.

"I envy you," his words quietly spoken, rung out like a thunderclap.

Lupin blinked, like a rabbit caught in headlights, his arm stopped dead, paralysed on its way up - cup in hand, heading to his mouth. Whatever he had been expecting, it hadn't been that. He lowered his arm, his thoughts falling flat in his head, like a log plummeting off the precipice of a waterfall.

"You knew them, were friends with them. You loved them," Harry stated, his voice low but full of emotion, he did not look at the still Lupin. "You loved them, and then lost them. I just lost them. I never knew them; I didn't get the chance to be their son. But you… you got that chance, you were their friend, and I often wish that I could have known what that was like. That's why I envy you, Remus, that's why when I look at you, and I see your terrible pain, I see the depth of what I am missing, of what I have lost and never had. "

Lupin looked at Harry's face, whose eyes were glassy, but he held his chin up high. There was maturity beneath the surface that had been growing for a while now, and although Harry was headstrong, arrogant, and downright pigheaded at times, there was something greater inside. Remus had always known that of course, in his mind, but he had never truly seen it until now.

"Your right, Harry, it's not fair that I had so much time with them, and if I thought it would help, I'd have freely given my life up for theirs, but that's not the way things worked out," Lupin raked his free hand through his hair, almost as if he were trying to free the thoughts in his head. "There is a reason memories fade with time, if they didn't, we'd all go mad from the grief of our losses. The way we choose to remember those who have passed, show us who we truly are. It's not how we live without them, it's how we go on and live with their memory. If you choose to keep the pain fresh, then your grief will stay strong, and keep you weak."

Harry nodded in silence; there were waves of barely hidden feeling rolling off him.

"I am sorry that you only see loss and pain when you look at me, but I do understand what you mean. For when I look at you, I see your parents in your eyes and face, in your gestures and your tone of voice, in your actions and beliefs. I see them in you as if they had been here all along, teaching you every step of the way, and perhaps they have. Those memories are never painful to me though, they would have been so proud of you, and everything you have achieved. There can be no grief in that, Harry, no pain hidden, just peace."

Remus reached forward and laid his hand on Harrys forearm, squeezing it very slightly, "I am proud of all you have achieved, of what you have survived, and what I know, you will continued to do. You have exceeded far beyond what I thought was possible for anyone, and I am glad I was here to see you do that."

Harry watched, as Remus' arm retreated to its brother on the other side of the table. He felt exhausted, emotionally drained from the extremes of emotion that he had felt, but at Remus' comforting touch, he had felt a connection, a link to what he had never known, and a bond to the resilient professor before him.

A surge of fresh guilt hit him, as he thought over the past conversation; he looked up at Remus - who had stood to fetch yet more tea – his eyes widening with regret. Harry went to open his mouth but was silenced by a small shake of Remus' head, and a biscuit shoved in his general direction. _'Perfect'_, he thought. _'Tea, biscuits, and confession.'_

Harrys mind wandered for a moment and thought of the mirror of Erised, for the first time truly understood, why the images he had seen there would have been his eventual undoing.

* * *

**A/N:** I just wanted to apologise for the horrific wait; I know I am an awful updater, so I really hope that this chapter was worth waiting for. It has been something of a battle for me, I found it difficult. It also became to long and I had to halve it.

For anyone wanting to getting canon, I know that there is no factual evidence for what I have assumed about the prolonged use of the Imperious curse, it just seemed logical to me so I went with it (",)

Thank you to my wonderful Beta Hells456 and to Fallen Auror who helped me with his endless support :)

**A/N: **Update - Just addressing what one reviewer has said about Sirius, and how he died. The Jet of light that hit Sirius was never defined as any particular colour. The quote is here:-

"Only one pair was still battling, apparently unaware of the new arrival. Harry saw Sirius duck Bellatrix's jet of red light: he was laughing at her.

'Come on, you can do better than that!' he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room.

**The second jet of light hit him squarely on the chest**."


End file.
